Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh new Cowboys Stadium. When the usher
came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'


The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'


Once again, cowboy Fred just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and inn a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.


Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'


'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.

'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.

with terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,


*


*
'...the balcony...'

 

[tech_diver]

Is this funny or in bad taste?

a video I did years ago....


http://www.advancedundersea.com/movies storage/shark away mpeg.MPG

 

[mlkco]

SMART ARSE ANSWER5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.




SMART ARSE ANSWER4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."




SMART ARSE ANSWER3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid onhis way without a ticket.




SMART ARSE ANSWER2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.

Thepoliceman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab andsaid to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"




SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils oftomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not beinghere tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack,a serious personal injury,illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no otherexcuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand andasked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughterand s******ing.




When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[pidgiepoo]

At a wedding reception recently someone yelled, "All the married women please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."











The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

 

[pidgiepoo]

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a
> piece of Biblical advice:
>
>
>
> "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz."
> While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives;
> Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az,
> Locked-up-az, Good-for-nothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third Cousin,
> Beatin-yo-az.
> Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects yo-az...

 

[pidgiepoo]

-----------------



These Southerners have a way with words!




These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

[WOODMAN]

A man and a woman had been married for many years, and the intimate part of their relationship had pretty much dried up. Imagine the woman's surprise when, while lying in bed together and watching late night TV, the husband reached over with his hand and began feeling around on her body. "He hasn't done that in ages" she thought; and, when his groping became more urgent and persistent, she began to grow aroused. She was really starting to enjoy the attention when he suddenly stopped. She said to him "honey, I was really starting to get into that. Why did you stop?" He replied-

(wait for it...)

"Found the remote."

 

[ScubaSteve]

If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

I spit my coffee out when I read this one. . Just awesome. Thanks

 

[pidgiepoo]

I spit my coffee out when I read this one. . Just awesome. Thanks

Yeah..I liked that one,too.

 

[Jax]