Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[WOODMAN]

THE NIGHT LIGHT...

An elderly man went to the doctor for his annual physical, and after giving him a good exam, the doctor said "You seem to be in excellent shape. How are you getting along in general?"
The man said "I am doing fine, and God is taking special care of me. Why, he even turns on and off the light for me when I get up at night to go to the bathroom! I get up and go to the toilet, and the light comes on. When I finish and go back to bed, the light goes off. You can't ask for more that that."
The doctor wondered about this, and decided to check with the man's wife. He called her up later, and said "your husband looks to be in great shape, but something he said has me concerned. He said that God has been turning the light on and off for him when he gets up at night to use the bathroom. Do you know anything about this?"
.
.
.
(Wait for it)
.
.
She said "Oh Christ no! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Check your shampoo bottle label.
>
> I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!
>
> It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
>
> When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body
>
> and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
>
> FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
>
> NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
>
> Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo, and I am going to start
>
> using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads,
>
> DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
>
> Problem Solved!!!

 

[pidgiepoo]

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the
following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your ass kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[pidgiepoo]

Texas Bank Robber A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?' There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.' ​ ​

 

[pidgiepoo]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
> Partners help each other undress before sex.
> However after sex, they always dress on their own.
> Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
>
>
>
> SIMPLE TRUTH 2
> When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying
> "congrats".
> But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
> Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.
>
> No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
> A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
> sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on
> from the waist down.
> 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone
> to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without
> answering.
> 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
> waist?' he asked again.
> The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out
> here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

 

[Searcaigh]

Euro Crisis Explained

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town.

He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors - it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No".

 

[pidgiepoo]

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger
> than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that
> the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more
> pleasure during sex.
>
> After the U.S. Published the study, Italy decided to do their own. After
> $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to
> give the woman more pleasure during sex.
>
> Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After
> 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a
> man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

[pidgiepoo]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME …
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…...

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

[NE_Diver]

Etrade baby loses everything:
E-trade baby loses everything - YouTube

Siri Argument
Siri Commercial Parody - CollegeHumor Video

 

[pidgiepoo]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway