Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right breast." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

 

[Deefstes]

 

[m3830431]

It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

 

[The Anchor]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[m3830431]

I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

 

[dpbishop]

This was translated from the Arabic and posted on an Iraqi blog:

A financial expert was asked to explain in simple layman's terms the reasons behind the recent stock market crash. He thought for a while and said: “A man traveled to a far away village and offered its inhabitants to buy every single donkey they owned for $10. Many villagers rushed to sell him their donkeys. The next day he raised the price to $15, and even more villagers sold their donkeys. Later he raised the price to $30, and the villagers sold until they all ran out of donkeys. Then he said, ‘I will pay $50 for every single donkey,’ and he went to spend the weekend in the city. The man’s assistant visited the village the next day and offered to sell back the villagers’ donkeys for $40 each, provided they sell them back to his master for $50 each on Monday. The villagers went into all their savings in order to buy back their donkeys. Those who did not own anything rushed to borrow from their neighbours, hoping to make a quick profit. They never saw the man or his assistant again. When the next week arrived, there were only two things left in the village: debts and donkeys.”

 

[Rhone Man]

Quick cave-man test. Complete the following sentence:

"A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate...."

(a) "need patience and understanding whilst she comes to terms with your sexuality."

(b) "is a complete waste of time, and you should dump her."

(c) "shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place!"

 

[Veronica]

LOL I thought I saw you on the bus to no ware.

 

[m3830431]

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

 

[Rhone Man]