Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[DM95]

PHONE REPAIR

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[WOODMAN]

I have been a lot of places, but I have never been in Cahoots. You aren't allowed to go there by yourself, you have to be in Cahoots with somebody. I have not been in Cognito, either. It's a strange place, no-one recognizes you there, I am told. But I have been in Sane, and many times. There is no airport there, so you have to be driven in Sane, and usually by your children.

 

[DM95]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

[ScubaSteve]

This needs to be copied here

These are HILARIOUS!!!

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps..
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

 

[DM95]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide.." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer (of Monty Python fame), actor and tall person

 

[DM95]

[video=youtube;pr7OCRfnjEw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pr7OCRfnjEw[/video]

 

[hogpark7430]

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce .The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' as he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'sir, there's nothing but *****s and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' 'No Kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

 

[mlkco]

Paddy McCoy, an elderlyIrish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions,stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutoryminimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up."Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's thefarm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 aweek, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day,does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and,as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector,"I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

[mlkco]

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together,

it spells'THEIRS'?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then whyaren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If Fed Ex and UPS merged, would they call it Fed UP? ?

If it's true that we are here to help others, thenwhat exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can bedelighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeonsdebarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licensesof bald men?

 

[mlkco]

Lawyers
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front

of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out,

a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car

was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with

his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to

ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his

Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined

and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it

new again.

After the lawyer finally wound

down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't

believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so

focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in

life."

"How can you say such a

thing?" asked the lawyer

The cop replied, "Don't

you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck

hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!"

screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"