What was with that cow! 
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
> other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the
> Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
>
> The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
> with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
>
> They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
> dark glasses and started to walk in.
>
> The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman
> with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
>
> The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The
> bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
>
> The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
> was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the
> heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
>
> Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed. "The woman
> said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
>
> The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said,
> .......
>
> "A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua ?!"
> other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the
> Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
>
> The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
> with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
>
> They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
> dark glasses and started to walk in.
>
> The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman
> with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
>
> The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The
> bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
>
> The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
> was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the
> heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
>
> Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed. "The woman
> said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
>
> The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said,
> .......
>
> "A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua ?!"
pidgiepoo
Contributor
> The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
>
>
>
> The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
> Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will
> make delivery that much easier.
>
>
>
> Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface
> like grass or a path."
>
>
>
> "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go
> walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both
> "
>
>
>
> The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
>
>
>
> After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
> raised his hand.
>
>
>
> "Yes?" said the Instructor.
>
>
>
> "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
> while we walk?"
>
>
>
>
>
> The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
> Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will
> make delivery that much easier.
>
>
>
> Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface
> like grass or a path."
>
>
>
> "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go
> walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both
> "
>
>
>
> The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
>
>
>
> After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
> raised his hand.
>
>
>
> "Yes?" said the Instructor.
>
>
>
> "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
> while we walk?"
>
>
TONY CHANEY
Contributor
Before we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope. Please do not let anything happen to Kevin Bacon!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
> TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR INSURER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE
> PLAN:
>
>
> (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
>
> (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
> the trailer park."
>
> (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
>
> (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
>
> (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a
> day."
>
> (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
> last month.
>
> (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
> a typographical error.
>
> 3) The only expense covered 100% is Embalming.
>
> (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
>
> AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN IS......
>
>
> (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape
---------- Post added November 16th, 2013 at 02:27 PM ----------
> A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
> As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
>
> The sign says:
> 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each!
> Comes with 'complete' instructions.
>
> The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
> whispers softly to Pete, the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As Pete
> packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
> The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
> As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
> instructions and reads them very carefully
> She does EXACTLY what is specified:
> 1. Take a shower.
> 2. Splash on some nice perfume.
> 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
> 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog
> to do what he has been trained to do.
> She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . .
> NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
> She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
> says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
> So, she calls the pet store. Pete says, 'I'll be right over.' Within
> minutes, Pete is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says,
> 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just
> SITS there!'
> Pete . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
> into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
> 'LISTEN TO ME!!
> I'm only going to show you how to do this
> ONE MORE TIME... '
> PLAN:
>
>
> (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
>
> (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
> the trailer park."
>
> (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
>
> (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
>
> (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a
> day."
>
> (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
> last month.
>
> (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
> a typographical error.
>
> 3) The only expense covered 100% is Embalming.
>
> (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
>
> AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN IS......
>
>
> (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape
---------- Post added November 16th, 2013 at 02:27 PM ----------
> A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
> As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
>
> The sign says:
> 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each!
> Comes with 'complete' instructions.
>
> The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
> whispers softly to Pete, the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As Pete
> packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
> The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
> As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
> instructions and reads them very carefully
> She does EXACTLY what is specified:
> 1. Take a shower.
> 2. Splash on some nice perfume.
> 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
> 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog
> to do what he has been trained to do.
> She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . .
> NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
> She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
> says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
> So, she calls the pet store. Pete says, 'I'll be right over.' Within
> minutes, Pete is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says,
> 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just
> SITS there!'
> Pete . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
> into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
> 'LISTEN TO ME!!
> I'm only going to show you how to do this
> ONE MORE TIME... '
pidgiepoo
Contributor
> Spell check should know better!
> A secretary got an expensive Pen as a gift from her boss.
>
> She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
>
> Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.
>
> The email says:
>
> "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra
> ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially the tip had to be licked to
> bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I
> was in heaven when using it.
>
> Thanks a lot"
>
> Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English
> A secretary got an expensive Pen as a gift from her boss.
>
> She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
>
> Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.
>
> The email says:
>
> "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra
> ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially the tip had to be licked to
> bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I
> was in heaven when using it.
>
> Thanks a lot"
>
> Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English
WOODMAN
Contributor
So are punctuation marks, like commas. Witness the following two versions of a quote with only a comma's difference:
"The founding fathers of our country were passionate believers in freedom."
"The founding fathers of our country were passionate, believers in freedom."
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Do you love your husband?
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the **** did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the **** did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
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