fookisan
Guest
Written for a 12 step group
While this deals with sex issues it applies to ALL the addictions. Our addictive behavior stems from excess craving and abusing our senses - Sensation Addiction. DELETE NOW if you find this topic distasteful.
In the news recently was a story of a man who was arrested for having sex with a dog after the neighbors had reported him to the police. The man had a history of rape and sex abuse. It reminded me of an old post.
"Why greed is never satisfied by attainment"
(...) writes:
"Now that the sex is over, I can't stop obsessing about the beautiful hooker I was with. I want to stop obsessing about her but I can't. What is really bothering me is the fact that she was the most gorgeous girl I have ever been with - yes it cost me $300. Now I have this crazy idea of finding an ugly prostitute to get me away from the obsession of the other one. I can't figure out how to stop, it's all I've gotten to know and my mind is controlled by such thoughts."
(Note- Quote has been paraphrased to protect anonymity)
V writes:
"Just as a life of virtue yields its own reward, a life of vice yields its own punishment" - Plutarch ~ Priest of the Delphic Oracle circa 45 - 125 A.D.
From the book "How to Want What You Have": "People who dedicate their lives to the pursuit of sensual pleasure find that the more pleasure they get, the more they want. Small, ordinary pleasures soon lose their power to please and must be replaced with more intense or exotic ones. Heedless sensualists usually meet a bad end. They learn the hard way that their desires are relentless and insatiable."
Life has not changed much in 2000 years has it? If we could only find peace with our senses by the attainment of our desires. A person wrote me privately to argue against something I wrote earlier that "Greed is never satisfied by attainment - it can only be satisfied by contentment" The person doing the arguing seemed to think they would be perfectly happy if only they could just get what they wanted to in life. The sex addict that described his horrific life after attaining his desires is a good example of how this greed - attainment - contentment relationship works in real life and why greed can never be satisfied by attainment - it only can be satisfied by contentment. Whenever we put our happiness in people, places or things we will sooner or later be let down. Happiness starts from within us and cannot come from anyplace else. We can achieve a ''diminishing of pain'' from people, places or things, but cannot find true happiness in these material things as the pleasure found in such things can readily be turned into pain as well. True happiness has no limits, whereas the aforementioned do have limits and also contain qualities of pain in them. A couple of quick examples: eating a bucket of ice cream soon turns our mouth from feelings of pleasure into feelings of great pain. Through the suffering of change or impermanence our beautiful bride soon loses her physical beauty or our shiny new car gets keyed by a vandal and we can suffer greatly from both of these examples of change. While both the new bride and new car do possess some qualities of pleasure in them, they also both contain qualities of pain as well, so nothing of this sort can lead us to perfect and true happiness. We must search for true happiness someplace else, but still balance the material world with our real spiritual needs. Happiness lies within us and not in things. True happiness and contentment can only be found in the spiritual realm which is limitless.
I used my addictions as distraction from living life and dealing with problems and as artificial ways to relieve pain. I've abused these pain relievers so that now they are pain generators in my life. Isn't it much easier to fantasize about something else than stay in the hear and now? I try and catch myself when I practice this escapism and work to bring my thoughts back to the present. Whenever the fantasy starts I check to see what I am escaping from? Why do I fixate on something else instead of where I'm at? Learning to live a balanced life also has yielded it own rewards. I try to avoid extremes, especially unnatural ones and have had to give up some of the highs that certain vices provide, but also can avoid the lows that result from these vices as "hangovers" that the sex addict mentioned above. When you give up one thing you receive another thing in it place. In his own case, he could probably find some peace by seeking balance with sex and by sticking to a committed relationship or marriage. I also see no mention of recovery meetings, writing inventory work, applying the tools of the program, working with a sponsor, doing service and the like. He seems to have plenty of time to seek out destructive vices, but little time to seek out serious recovery and only pay it lip service. Sometimes I hear addicts say the 12 step programs stopped working for them, so they quit. What they really should say is, THEY stopped working the 12 step program - the program NEVER stops working for those that really want what it has to offer.
Sex issues are very tough branch of addictions just like food and spending, but sex especially has its own peculiarities associated with it. We need to get hyped up to participate in sex and then must calm down when it is over and go back to normal. Going back to normal takes different amounts of time for each of us, so we carry the sexual agitation or hype with us for a day or two. The other option would be to live a life as a total renunciate and celibate. This is fine for singles if they choose, but not too practical for the married ones unless both are on the same wavelength. I've known many renunciates and I find little peace within them as well, at least the male ones, but cannot comment of the female ones. Sex is a gift from God, nothing to be ashamed of, but nothing we should abuse as well, yet it is so easy to abuse our sensations. This is where we get hooked on sensation addiction Whether it is sensation addiction of the mouth, genitals, brain, skin or whatever. So it takes balance to find a semblance of peace with sex and I've found that with my best efforts I can only be at peace 80% or 90% of the time with it. And, if I stop working my program my peace falls to almost nil. To make things clear with the 80% to 90% rule. I am not referring to cheating on my wife only 20% of the time and calling that good recovery. I am referring to the small things that addicts beat themselves up over and seem to destroy their hopes of finding peace with. In SCA they term these areas as "gray" areas that are signposts or danger boundaries to be aware of. One thing is for sure, peace can never be bought by throwing money at a prostitute. Peace as well as recovery can never be given to us by another - it has to be built within us. It is built from restructuring our past sick life and developing a new virtuous life and building real self worth from the inside out.
I'll leave you with a a quote from Brother David Steindl-Rast a Christian - Buddhist practitioner from his book ''Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer''
''Ordinary happiness depends on happenstance. Joy is that extraordinary happiness that is independent of what happens to us. Good luck can make us happy, but it cannot give us lasting joy. The root of joy is gratefulness. We tend to misunderstand the link between joy and gratefulness. We notice that joyful people are grateful and suppose that they are grateful for their joy. But the reverse is true: their joy springs from gratefulness. If one has all the good luck in the world, but takes it for granted, it will not give one joy. Yet even bad luck will give joy to those who manage to be grateful for it. We hold the key to lasting happiness in our own hands. For it is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.''
Take Care,
Fookisan
While this deals with sex issues it applies to ALL the addictions. Our addictive behavior stems from excess craving and abusing our senses - Sensation Addiction. DELETE NOW if you find this topic distasteful.
In the news recently was a story of a man who was arrested for having sex with a dog after the neighbors had reported him to the police. The man had a history of rape and sex abuse. It reminded me of an old post.
"Why greed is never satisfied by attainment"
(...) writes:
"Now that the sex is over, I can't stop obsessing about the beautiful hooker I was with. I want to stop obsessing about her but I can't. What is really bothering me is the fact that she was the most gorgeous girl I have ever been with - yes it cost me $300. Now I have this crazy idea of finding an ugly prostitute to get me away from the obsession of the other one. I can't figure out how to stop, it's all I've gotten to know and my mind is controlled by such thoughts."
(Note- Quote has been paraphrased to protect anonymity)
V writes:
"Just as a life of virtue yields its own reward, a life of vice yields its own punishment" - Plutarch ~ Priest of the Delphic Oracle circa 45 - 125 A.D.
From the book "How to Want What You Have": "People who dedicate their lives to the pursuit of sensual pleasure find that the more pleasure they get, the more they want. Small, ordinary pleasures soon lose their power to please and must be replaced with more intense or exotic ones. Heedless sensualists usually meet a bad end. They learn the hard way that their desires are relentless and insatiable."
Life has not changed much in 2000 years has it? If we could only find peace with our senses by the attainment of our desires. A person wrote me privately to argue against something I wrote earlier that "Greed is never satisfied by attainment - it can only be satisfied by contentment" The person doing the arguing seemed to think they would be perfectly happy if only they could just get what they wanted to in life. The sex addict that described his horrific life after attaining his desires is a good example of how this greed - attainment - contentment relationship works in real life and why greed can never be satisfied by attainment - it only can be satisfied by contentment. Whenever we put our happiness in people, places or things we will sooner or later be let down. Happiness starts from within us and cannot come from anyplace else. We can achieve a ''diminishing of pain'' from people, places or things, but cannot find true happiness in these material things as the pleasure found in such things can readily be turned into pain as well. True happiness has no limits, whereas the aforementioned do have limits and also contain qualities of pain in them. A couple of quick examples: eating a bucket of ice cream soon turns our mouth from feelings of pleasure into feelings of great pain. Through the suffering of change or impermanence our beautiful bride soon loses her physical beauty or our shiny new car gets keyed by a vandal and we can suffer greatly from both of these examples of change. While both the new bride and new car do possess some qualities of pleasure in them, they also both contain qualities of pain as well, so nothing of this sort can lead us to perfect and true happiness. We must search for true happiness someplace else, but still balance the material world with our real spiritual needs. Happiness lies within us and not in things. True happiness and contentment can only be found in the spiritual realm which is limitless.
I used my addictions as distraction from living life and dealing with problems and as artificial ways to relieve pain. I've abused these pain relievers so that now they are pain generators in my life. Isn't it much easier to fantasize about something else than stay in the hear and now? I try and catch myself when I practice this escapism and work to bring my thoughts back to the present. Whenever the fantasy starts I check to see what I am escaping from? Why do I fixate on something else instead of where I'm at? Learning to live a balanced life also has yielded it own rewards. I try to avoid extremes, especially unnatural ones and have had to give up some of the highs that certain vices provide, but also can avoid the lows that result from these vices as "hangovers" that the sex addict mentioned above. When you give up one thing you receive another thing in it place. In his own case, he could probably find some peace by seeking balance with sex and by sticking to a committed relationship or marriage. I also see no mention of recovery meetings, writing inventory work, applying the tools of the program, working with a sponsor, doing service and the like. He seems to have plenty of time to seek out destructive vices, but little time to seek out serious recovery and only pay it lip service. Sometimes I hear addicts say the 12 step programs stopped working for them, so they quit. What they really should say is, THEY stopped working the 12 step program - the program NEVER stops working for those that really want what it has to offer.
Sex issues are very tough branch of addictions just like food and spending, but sex especially has its own peculiarities associated with it. We need to get hyped up to participate in sex and then must calm down when it is over and go back to normal. Going back to normal takes different amounts of time for each of us, so we carry the sexual agitation or hype with us for a day or two. The other option would be to live a life as a total renunciate and celibate. This is fine for singles if they choose, but not too practical for the married ones unless both are on the same wavelength. I've known many renunciates and I find little peace within them as well, at least the male ones, but cannot comment of the female ones. Sex is a gift from God, nothing to be ashamed of, but nothing we should abuse as well, yet it is so easy to abuse our sensations. This is where we get hooked on sensation addiction Whether it is sensation addiction of the mouth, genitals, brain, skin or whatever. So it takes balance to find a semblance of peace with sex and I've found that with my best efforts I can only be at peace 80% or 90% of the time with it. And, if I stop working my program my peace falls to almost nil. To make things clear with the 80% to 90% rule. I am not referring to cheating on my wife only 20% of the time and calling that good recovery. I am referring to the small things that addicts beat themselves up over and seem to destroy their hopes of finding peace with. In SCA they term these areas as "gray" areas that are signposts or danger boundaries to be aware of. One thing is for sure, peace can never be bought by throwing money at a prostitute. Peace as well as recovery can never be given to us by another - it has to be built within us. It is built from restructuring our past sick life and developing a new virtuous life and building real self worth from the inside out.
I'll leave you with a a quote from Brother David Steindl-Rast a Christian - Buddhist practitioner from his book ''Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer''
''Ordinary happiness depends on happenstance. Joy is that extraordinary happiness that is independent of what happens to us. Good luck can make us happy, but it cannot give us lasting joy. The root of joy is gratefulness. We tend to misunderstand the link between joy and gratefulness. We notice that joyful people are grateful and suppose that they are grateful for their joy. But the reverse is true: their joy springs from gratefulness. If one has all the good luck in the world, but takes it for granted, it will not give one joy. Yet even bad luck will give joy to those who manage to be grateful for it. We hold the key to lasting happiness in our own hands. For it is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.''
Take Care,
Fookisan
