"Why I Don't Have a Boat", by Scuba Steve.

[PuMpUi]

“WHY I DON’T HAVE A BOAT”​

(by) SCUBA STEVE​

I don’t have a boat because …
1.I love to scuba dive.
2.I don’t like boats.
3.If I liked boats then I would have one.
4.But I don’t because … see #2.
5.Boats are very expensive to operate.
6.Boats are very expensive to maintain.
7.Boats require a lot of $$$.
8.“BOAT” = Bail Over Another Thousand $$$.
9.If I had a lot of money, I STILL would not have a boat.
10.Why ???See #1 above.

HOWEVER …
IF I had a boat, then:
1.I would have to have a Harbor Ramp permit;
2.If I had a Harbor Ramp Permit I would have to pay $200.00 PLUS 3% of my GROSS REVENUES each and every month just because I had a boat;
3.If I had a boat then I would need to have a boat trailer to haul the boat to the Harbor that costs me $200.00 AND 3% of my gross revenues each and every month just because I have a boat;
4.If I had a boat then I would need a truck big enough to tow the boat on the trailer to the Harbor that charges me $200.00 AND 3% of my gross revenues each and every month (even if I don’t use the ramp at all);
5.If I had a truck big enough to tow the big boat on the big trailer to the Harbor that charges me $200.00 AND 3% of my gross revenues each and every month (even if I don’t use the ramp at all), then I would need a SECURE place to park my big truck, big trailer and expensive boat when it is not in the water;
6.If I had a secure place to park my big truck, big trailer and expensive boat when it is not in the water and IF I could find such a place it would NOT be close to the Harbor that charges me $200.00 AND of my gross revenues each and every month (even if I don’t use the ramp at all and then I would spend a lot of $$$ on gasoline because big trucks suck gas like it was free;
7.So do big boats;
8.If I had all of this, then I would need a MECHANIC to fix everything because employees don’t really give a crap about MY things and they don’t/won’t rinse the big truck, the big trailer or the big boat down and then everything will rust up tight from the salt water;
9.Most employees are (apparently) NOT smart enough to realize that when they break MY things then they cannot work and get paid because … oh yeah … because THEY don’t HAVE the money-making things of their own;
10.And (apparently) most employees think that they should be paid even after they have broken MY things because that’s why they are here … on a PAID VACATION;
11.And that is why I have a Mechanic AND his Assistant … to fix MY things that THEY have either busted up, lost or left behind;
12.If a had a mechanic that could do all of this, then he/she would want his/her own shop space AND tools that they “need” but “don’t have”;
13.Shop space is not productive space … it does not produce money, it only costs money and serves only to keep the parts working so that others can produce money for ME;
14.After all, I am not in this money to make business.
15.If I had a big boat, a big trailer, a big truck AND kindly mechanic with his/her own shop tools and a dedicated work space, then I would need a commercial retail space for morning and afternoon check-in’s for the big boat dive because I can no longer work out of my home; and then
16.If I had a commercial retail space where my big boat divers could check-in 4 times each day (morning in, morning out, then afternoon in, afternoon out) it would need to have room for about 40 cars because not only do the big boat divers have cars but so does the kindly mechanic and his assistant;
17.Parking lots are very expensive and very hard to find and so they are very expensive to purchase/lease/rent when you do find one;
18.If I had all of the above, then I would need at least 2 PUC (Public Utilities Commission)approved, licensed and insured 15-passenger vans to haul my big boat divers from my very expensive commercial retail space to the Harbor where I pay $200.00 per month AND 3% of MY gross revenues because the Harbor Master does not allow public or private parking in HIS parking lot, which appears to be exclusively for those who pay the $200.00 per month fee AND the 3% of their gross revenues each and every month, and he really doesn’t CARE if you use the ramp or not ... just that you pay the fees on time; so
19.In order to run these 2 very big 15-passenger vans to-and-from the Harbor, I would will then need to purchase additional insurance (which will make by Insurance Broker very happy and put HIS children through medical school) AND I will need to hire at least 2 employees to drive the big vans to and from the Harbor and Hope and Pray that they don’t run in to or run over something very expensive (I live on hope);
20.A commercial retail space is even more expensive if there is nothing in it for sale to the big boat divers who come because of my big boat dives from my big boat that is towed to the Harbor where I pay $200.00 per month AND 3% of MY gross revenues behind my big truck that my kindly mechanic and his nephew, the assistant, tries to keep running and/or floating, so I will need to spend about $100,00.00 in rack displays, back-lit counters, hats, caps and tee shirts, a few dozen bottles of sun block and defog (not interchangeable, as I found out not too long ago; the internet was incorrect again) AND a modicum bit of actual dive gear that everyone will look at and leave sticky, grimy fingerprints on but will NOT BUY IT because it is too expensive to ship back to Kansas;
21.With a fully stock commercial retail store full of expensive things that no one is buying I will need to hire a staff of 4 to 7 people who hopefully will ring up every sale correctly, otherwise my bookkeeper and accountant will go crazy trying to reconcile and balance the receipts each day, and hope (I live on hope) that the cash sales go in to the REGISTER and not the POCKETS of the person behind my very expensive counter full of even more very expensive merchandise that no one wants to buy because “they have a friend back home” that might be able to get them a “better deal” (they won’t be able to, but that’s what they want to think because I live in Hawaii and have a big boat, a big trailer, a big truck … you get the picture);
22.Since I cannot be in my very expensive commercial retail store watching over my shrinking inventory AND my 4-7 employees AND my kindly mechanic and his nephew AND GO DIVING (something that has not happened for at least 6 months now), I should install some sort of video surveillance cameras to deter theft and shoplifting and hope that the inventory shrinkage is “manageable”;
23.NOW that all of the front-end is under control, I will need to hire a BOAT CAPTAIN to pilot the boat (they call it “pilot” because the captain is usually “flying high”); and hopefully one who will not get arrested in front of my big boat divers by the Coast Guard when he cannot pass the pee test (again);
24.And I hope (I live on hope) that a picture of my big boat being towed in by the Coast Guard will NOT be on the front (or any other) page of the local newspaper … again; and
25.I will also be needing to hire a BACKUP Captain because my primary captain will not want to work all the time, which is why he became a big boat captain in the first place;
26.And Captains CAN NOT leave the big boat unattended for ANY reason, no matter how expensive that rod-n-reel were, and so …
27.By having a backup captain I will not lose as much sleep at night worrying about my primary captain getting ANOTHER DUI while pulling my big boat that is untethered and unsecured resting on top of the big boat trailer behind the big truck that my kindly mechanic and his nephew finally got around to ordering parts for and fixing on his way back to the big secure area as he complains and mumbles something about MY big boat divers being “idiots, more idiots and complete morons”;
28.Hmmm, since I cannot possibly be in more than one place at a time and I REALLY WANT TO GO DIVING AGAIN, I will need to recruit, interview, hire and (hopefully) TRUST some SCUBA INSTRUCTORS to take care of my big boat divers;
29.This time hopefully at least ONE of them will know how to read a compass correctly and be able to get back to the big boat in the big ocean safely;
30.Then I will encourage them every day by saying, “It’s a good day when you take out 10 divers.It’s a BETTER when you BRING BACK 10 divers.And ... it’s a MIRACLE DAY when you bring back the SAME 10 divers.”(Yes, I am a fire-walker);

TO BE CONTINUED IN NEXT THREAD ...

 

[PuMpUi]

EARLIER THREAD CONTINUED HERE ...

31.I will also need to have about 50% more instructors than I really need because someone will get sick, show up hung-over, become pregnant, end up behind bars and expect ME to post bail for them, get a better offer at the shop down the road, get ME sued or just leave in the middle of the night without any notice;
32.Now that I have all these employees it is my understanding that I am going to have to pay a LOT of taxes and benefits because they are here “making ME money”, provide them with medical and dental insurance because “it is MY responsibility to take care of them”, give them PAID vacation time “because THEY have earned it and DESERVE it”, give them sick days off with pay so “they can pay their bills and not get stressed out”, and now my Insurance Broker is planning on sending his GRANDCHILDEREN to Medical College;
33.So I have decided to hire a GENERAL MANAGER to take all of these burdens off of me;
34.But my General Manager says he “needs” ALL of my pass codes including the ones that turn off the security cameras as well as for the registers;
35.And when my bookkeeper and accountant confront the new General Manager about the increasing amount of Inventory and Cash SHORTAGES, he simply says that, “I will look in to it”;
36.And the NEXT time when confronted by the bookkeeper and the accountant and the local police and my VERY expensive Attorneys the now-seasoned General Manager will respond by saying that “Those employees are really sneaky devils, aren’t they?”,
37.And I just a call from the Landlord/Property Manager that because I have done such a great job in renovating the Owner’s property, the Owner has decided that He/She is going to move in and start a new business for their children when my lease expires in 90 days;
38.But they are REALLY appreciative of all the improvements that I had put in to THEIR property.

So … what was your question again?Oh, yeah.
“Why don’t you have a boat?”You tell me.

T’anks for asking.

Scuba Steve
PS.I have not been diving in the past 3 years.My therapist says it is good for me to talk about this stuff.But not too often.And not with too many people.They REALLY don’t care.

PPS.I might have forgotten to mention that:
1.I am PERSONALLY liable for everything that goes wrong;
2.I am the UNPAID tax collector for the State; and
3.I am assessed a tax on the tax that I have collected (at no charge to the State OR the tax man) for the PRIVILEDGE of being ALLOWED to operate a business here; and
4.If I don’t give the tax man HIS share of MY money on time I am assessed a painfully huge penalty that keeps getting bigger and bigger until it is paid; and
5.I also am responsible for paying both Corporate AND personal income taxes and fees in a timely manner even when my Bookkeeper and Accountant have run off with …
6.My money,
7.My books,
8.My records,
9.My receipts,
10.My keys and pass codes, and
11.One another.

Remember to “take only pictures and leave only bubbles !!!”

 

[Stoo]

You know, I can't really take exception to anything you said (Except #2... I love boats!) but I LOVE having my own boat (that costs a fortune to operate) and requires a big truck bla bla bla...

But going wherever I want to dive, without having to put much thought into it, is really awesome. Just me and Mrs. Stoo and maybe a friend or two... Just my opinion of course...

 

[BUDMANOK]

two greatest days of my life the day I bought a boat and the day I sold it.

BTW that's one cool RIB Stoo

 

[Stoo]

BTW that's one cool RIB Stoo

Thanks Bud. It's a good little toy... 200 mile range, goes through anything and just the right size. I say that because it's pretty much a 50/50 split on my wishing it was either smaller (usually when towing, and at the gas pump) or larger (when more than a couple of friends want to come). I've had the thing for about 15 years now (re-powered four years ago, to underscore PuMuI's point) but it's pretty ideal for our water in the Great Lakes.

 

[lemke]

NOT having a boat is NOT an option for me. I do all of my own work and maintenance, and it's really not that expensive.

 

[Octopusprime]

Great rant.... Just shows how much people don't know about being in business... I have heard people say, charters would be easy etc... People don't know what they don't know...

i have a fishing boat boat I did not put it in the water last year and it cost me $1000 in licanse, storage and maintenance.

Screw it it all let's just go diving... Is it April yet?

 

[Ana]

You know, I can't really take exception to anything you said (Except #2... I love boats!) but I LOVE having my own boat (that costs a fortune to operate) and requires a big truck bla bla bla...

But going wherever I want to dive, without having to put much thought into it, is really awesome. Just me and Mrs. Stoo and maybe a friend or two... Just my opinion of course...

Nice RHIB! just too exposed for me to be the ONE, I get cold in an instant and my husband's skin fries just as fast as I get cold.

I realize this is in the "funny section" but for many years #1 and #2 were almost my mantra for real, living by the water I continuously got the "You are always in the water, why don't you have a boat?" comment.

Then one day, I got sick of charters coming up with rules and more rules and got a boat, wow, was I wrong!

If you do your homework and get the boat that truly fits what you want, and most importantly what you DON'T want, it makes diving even better.

Granted I never would've taken someone else's word.... but it has worked so well for me, I hope I never have to be without a boat.

This baby bellow was purchased as an anniversary present, it will be 10 years in few months, and not once (at least not yet) have my husband or I regret having it. Many times I wish it was bigger, but I get over that when I'm cleaning it, is perfect for 4 sets of dive gear or 2 nap lounge chairs, even 2 hammocks on calm seas fit just right .

Now we don't have truck (big or small), don't have to deal with the boat-ramp scene, or harbor anything. The boat itself just like our dive gear, so far responds well to preventive maintenance, otherwise I'm sure I'd agree 100% with the long list posted.

 

[djtimmy77]

My wife and I can do a two tank dive every weekend on local dive boats for less than the cost of having our own boat of sufficient size and engine redundancy for me to trust it offshore, and we never have to wash it, maintain it, tow it, store it, etc. We just show up and dive. We are generally very happy with the spots they take us, especially when going on smaller 6 pack boats.

 

[Zieg]

My wife and I can do a two tank dive every weekend on local dive boats for less than the cost of having our own boat, and we never have to wash it, maintain it, tow it, store it, etc. We just show up and dive. We are generally very happy with the spots they take us, especially when going on smaller 6 pack boats.

But with your own boat, you leave the dock when you want, go where you want, with the people you want, stay as long as you want, and return when you want. What more could you want?