Where to go from here, if anywhere? Or: should I keep trying or...stick to snorkeling

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Background: technically I have OW and AOW certification. I did this over the course of ten days or so all at once, over a decade ago. I don't remember how I got through OW...I remember having quite a lot of anxiety and, at one point, freaking out during the 'take mask off/put back on' skill and bolting to the surface (very shallow water, obviously, but...yeah, that's bad). Clearly I went back and tried again and did it...well enough to pass, I guess. The AOW went smoothly, as far as I can recall.

Since then I've only snorkeled, occasionally. I like the water, love what's in it, want to see so much more of it. I thought recently I'd try the refresher course in a pool. And...I pretty much bombed it.

Well, okay, it could have gone worse, and again I technically completed most of the tasks, but oh my god, I ran out of air so fast because I could not calm down. There was much flailing around with the equipment, the weights, the BCD itself, my fingers getting stuck in the BCD, my mask getting stuck in my hair, couldn't get negative or even neutral buoyancy after sucking up most of my dang air, and I could not do the 'don't inhale for 30 seconds' task. Like basically the guy who tries to put on his sweater walking into the kitchen, accidentally puts his arm through the head-hole, then trips, knocks into a cabinet, and brings down all the pots and pans while all the plates in the cabinet spill out on the floor, but, yanno, the underwater/non-dishware version.

I dunno. Part of me thinks it's one of those things that a person can do if they try over and over again. But part of me also thinks I'm just never going to be chill enough for this. I should note here that my lack of chill is not a scuba-only thing. Never had an actual panic attack or anything extreme, but everything makes me nervous. Totally normal non-dramatic non-potentially-fatal things make me nervous. I mean, there's the "come on you can overcome this with exposure" argument but then there's the "yeah but you could REALLY kill yourself trying" argument. I'll be the pioneer who finds a way to choke herself on a fin strap or something, if I don't run out of air flipping out, or lose my s*** and bolt to the surface at a depth where that would be Very Bad. I don't know which argument holds more water. (ha haaaaaaa)

So...from here, I guess, I'm not sure how to proceed, or if to proceed at all. But if there is in fact any hope...should I just start over? OW again? Or refreshers in a pool over and over until I can do the tasks without struggling? Or do I try, you know, shallow guided dives, without all the flopping around with the equipment? Would that be confidence building or would that be stupid...I honestly can't tell. On the other hand--I could just stop trying. Plenty of places I haven't snorkeled at yet, yanno? Just wondering if the "omg QUIT QUIT NOW" impulse is an overreaction or...reasonable...

tl;dr: I have anxiety and much flailing re: multiple skills regarding the tasks one has to do for certification that I'm not sure if I can overcome; is it smarter to give up or is it totally doable to bang on and get it right, and if the latter how should one do the banging on?
 
It sounds to me like you need to find a good instructor to sit down with that's willing to take things slow. That may mean starting your OW over from scratch, and that's fine. A refresher isn't going to help you if the person doing it isn't working with you to work through your anxiety and is instead just trying to check the boxes on the requirements list.
 
You might try planning a dive vacation and hiring a private dive guide. Do some research and find someone that comes highly recommended and talk to him/her in advance and explain your concerns. If you feel comfortable diving with the same person for a few days, it may help you to better deal with the anxiety. It wouldn't be cheap but taking the same classes over and over isn't cheap either.

Is there a local dive shop that you usually frequent? If they are planning any trips you could talk to the shop owner about going on the trip and arrange to receive some personal attention over the first few days to help get comfortable.
 
I concur about hiring/finding a good instructor. I just completed my AOW last month in Bonaire and used a private instructor. The 1:1 coaching is terrific. Much preferred over a group setting. It sounds like you enjoy the diving piece, based on your AOW experiences. The O/W course is more skill based and can be challenging especially in a large group or a poor instructor. Also, over the past 2 years I've purchased my own gear, which has made me more comfortable above and below water. Hopefully you continue at your pace. Keep patient and remain safe underwater.
 
Your next steps depend on how motivated you are. If you aren’t motivated, the problems you describe may be insurmountable. If you really want to do this, then it is far too soon to hang it up. Yes, you need time, patience, and practice to get comfortable and make these new skills second nature instead of complex tasks, more time than most. Main obstacle may be that the one-on-one time and attention comes with a running meter.
 
I agree with those saying get a good instructor and just repeat the skills slowly. Perhaps watching online videos of the steps for the skills will help. There are apparently quite a few more than when I was certified years ago. Wouldn't hurt to review the skills mentally by re-reading the book/ re-doing e learning, whatever. It is odd that you had so many problems seeing that you have done some snorkeling. I had a heck of a hard time with the scuba unit on & off skill, and I was very "comfortable" as they say in water. Hang in there.
 
Find a good instructor/DM and try again, from the scratch. This is the key.
Also: be analytical! Try to see where your issues are, and try to resolve them one by one (e.g. hair stuck in the mask? Use a buff, problem solve. Etc).
Remember why you're doing it! If you really love it, then it will be easier to overcome obstacle...
Good luck!
 
What kind of gear were you using? I have found some rental gear to be lacking. Might not have anything to do with your issues, but having quality, well fitting gear can help with confidence. ...and I have witnessed the reverse.

Finding a good instructor or divemaster could really help, but I Wouldn’t be to focused on repeating drills. Maybe you just need some time to relax, and just enjoy being underwater. Of course having your skills down pat is a good thing, but over-emphasis on what “could” go wrong, might be building anxiety.

Maybe seek out some experienced dive buddy’s, or a club.
 
Oh man, I didn't even realize private lessons could be...a thing? Which is uh, a bit daft now I think about it. Thank you guys! A one-on-one thing may be more my speed...

It sounds to me like you need to find a good instructor to sit down with that's willing to take things slow. That may mean starting your OW over from scratch, and that's fine. A refresher isn't going to help you if the person doing it isn't working with you to work through your anxiety and is instead just trying to check the boxes on the requirements list.

Maybe so :) The woman teaching the refresher was very nice and patient, but there were other students of course, and I was kinda, uh, flopping around while the rest of the class waited :p Avoiding that scenario sounds...better...

You might try planning a dive vacation and hiring a private dive guide. Do some research and find someone that comes highly recommended and talk to him/her in advance and explain your concerns. If you feel comfortable diving with the same person for a few days, it may help you to better deal with the anxiety. It wouldn't be cheap but taking the same classes over and over isn't cheap either.

Is there a local dive shop that you usually frequent? If they are planning any trips you could talk to the shop owner about going on the trip and arrange to receive some personal attention over the first few days to help get comfortable.

Truth, I assume none of this will be cheap :D

I've been to one of the dive shops in my area a couple of times...after the last experience I'm sort of embarrassed to go back. But they were perfectly nice, and even if not there are others I could look into. Thanks!

I concur about hiring/finding a good instructor. I just completed my AOW last month in Bonaire and used a private instructor. The 1:1 coaching is terrific. Much preferred over a group setting. It sounds like you enjoy the diving piece, based on your AOW experiences. The O/W course is more skill based and can be challenging especially in a large group or a poor instructor. Also, over the past 2 years I've purchased my own gear, which has made me more comfortable above and below water. Hopefully you continue at your pace. Keep patient and remain safe underwater.

I had a really, really rocky beginning. Good patient instructors were the key. Do one on one. Good luck!

Thanks! I'm glad to hear one-on-one coaching has worked well for you guys :)

I have bought my own wetsuit for snorkeling, as I learned an ill-fitting rental suit can kinda mess up everything, but haven't bought anything scuba-specific as I haven't convinced myself I can actually do it, and whatnot. But if I can get over this nonsense I will definitely look into it :D

Your next steps depend on how motivated you are. If you aren’t motivated, the problems you describe may be insurmountable. If you really want to do this, then it is far too soon to hang it up. Yes, you need time, patience, and practice to get comfortable and make these new skills second nature instead of complex tasks, more time than most. Main obstacle may be that the one-on-one time and attention comes with a running meter.

Righto. Makes sense. Thank you!

I agree with those saying get a good instructor and just repeat the skills slowly. Perhaps watching online videos of the steps for the skills will help. There are apparently quite a few more than when I was certified years ago. Wouldn't hurt to review the skills mentally by re-reading the book/ re-doing e learning, whatever. It is odd that you had so many problems seeing that you have done some snorkeling. I had a heck of a hard time with the scuba unit on & off skill, and I was very "comfortable" as they say in water. Hang in there.

You know, the stupid thing is I absolutely had it much of it down mentally, I watched a bunch of videos before class and all and thought ah, yes, take the BCD off, put it back on, very simple maneuver, good good, and then attempted it in the water and it was like trying to stand on a bar of soap in the shower.

I am not a graceful thing.

But. As I'm thinking about it now, I can probably practice some things...not everything but some...

Find a good instructor/DM and try again, from the scratch. This is the key.
Also: be analytical! Try to see where your issues are, and try to resolve them one by one (e.g. hair stuck in the mask? Use a buff, problem solve. Etc).
Remember why you're doing it! If you really love it, then it will be easier to overcome obstacle...
Good luck!

I...had to google what a buff was :D But you're right...some of this is a more difficult mind game I have to play with myself, but some of the things that caused me frustration I can maybe avoid with little things and decrease the overall stress. Hmm. Thank you :D

What kind of gear were you using? I have found some rental gear to be lacking. Might not have anything to do with your issues, but having quality, well fitting gear can help with confidence. ...and I have witnessed the reverse.

Finding a good instructor or divemaster could really help, but I Wouldn’t be to focused on repeating drills. Maybe you just need some time to relax, and just enjoy being underwater. Of course having your skills down pat is a good thing, but over-emphasis on what “could” go wrong, might be building anxiety.

Maybe seek out some experienced dive buddy’s, or a club.

This is true...okay. Well either way, whether I start over with courses or just try to dive with a guide, it sounds like one-on-one may be the way to go...

Thank you all so much! This has been helpful :)
 
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