Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

The Mexican Maid
>
> The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
> about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
>
> She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
>
> Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
>
> "The first is that I iron better than you."
>
> Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
>
> Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
>
> Wife: "Oh yeah?"
>
> Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
>
> Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
>
> Maria: "Jor hozban did"
>
> Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"
>
> Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
>
> Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
> "And did my husband say that as well?"
>
> Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."
>
> Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Those danged 4 hour erections
>
> What happens when you ask for help with an erection
>
> lasting more than 4 hours?


> Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male
>
> pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only
>
> pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no
>
> male employees.
>
>
>
> She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was
>
> something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a
>
> male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was
>
> completely professional and
>
> whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be
>
> confident that she would treat him with a high level of
>
> professionalism. Earl then agreed and began by saying,


> 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that
>
> last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
>
> embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it


> The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

> When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is
>
> the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
>
> pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

 

[pidgiepoo]

Norwegian Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.


As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.”


The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.


Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .


That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: “Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”


Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena ....still in DA CRATE!”

 

[DM95]

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ..... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

 

[pidgiepoo]

> JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH *********
>
> Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
>
> after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
>
> One said to the other, 'What do you think about
>
> all this Satan stuff?'
>
> The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
>
> Santa Claus turned out.
>
> It's probably just your Dad.'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
>
> whispered to her mother,
>
> 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
>
> The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
>
> of happiness,
>
> and today is the happiest day of her life.'
>
> The child thought about this for a moment then said,
>
> 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
>
> as fast as she could,
>
> trying not to be late for Bible class.
>
> As she ran she prayed,
>
> 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
>
> please don't let me be late!'
>
> While she was running and praying, she tripped
>
> on a curb and fell,
>
> getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
>
> She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
>
> again!
>
> As she ran she once again began to pray,
>
> 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
>
> don't shove me either!'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
>
> their fathers.
>
> The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
>
> on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
>
> they give him $50.'
>
> The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
>
> scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
>
> he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
>
> The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
>
> scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
>
> he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
>
> collect all the money!'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> An elderly woman died last month.
>
> Having never married, she requested no male
>
> pallbearers.
>
> In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
>
> service, she wrote,
>
> 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
>
> I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A police recruit was asked during the exam,
>
> 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
>
> mother?'
>
> He answered, 'Call for backup.'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
>
> Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
>
> A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
>
> After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
>
> father and thy mother,' she asked,
>
> 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
>
> treat our brothers and sisters?'
>
> Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
>
> 'Thou shall not kill..'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> At Sunday School they were teaching how God
>
> created everything, including human beings.
>
> Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
>
> told him
>
> how Eve was created out of one of Adam 's ribs.
>
> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
>
> down as though he were ill,
>
> and she said, ' Johnny , what is the matter?' Little
>
> Johnny responded,
>
> 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
>
> a wife.'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
>
> You grow old because you stop laughing!
>
> Take heed and pass these along to people who
>
> need a laugh.
>
> I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough
>
> right now...for all of us...
>
> so we need something to make the day a happy
>
> place.
>
> "They" haven't found a way to tax you for
>
> laughing yet.

 

[jupitermermaid]

The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . .

The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge?

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge.."at our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn...!"

 

[DM95]

 

[DM95]

 

[DM95]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."!

 

[dmoore19]

[FONT=&quot]After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
As he lay naked on his side on the table, the nurse began the examination. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"I haven't got an erection," said the man. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"No, but I have," replied the nurse. [/FONT]