I am having 'issues' with my spouse over wanting to continue scuba diving (long)

[victoriawtx]

Hi everyone! I am new to diving, and just got OW certified. I absolutely LOVE it, but I am feeling bummed and a bit selfish. I got certified while we were on vacation and it took most of the whole week we were gone. I kind of just 'fell' into it, I hadn't planning on getting certified before we left. I just saw a dive shop, went it, and that was it! LOL My husband didn't join me because he is afraid of ear pain. He says he gets it very bad and has trouble equalizing. I am not sure if he couldn't fix this if he learned to right techniques. Anyways, so I feel guilty for spending most of our vacation in the pool and ocean (even though I loved it!) away from him. He was supportive of me getting certified and nice about it, although I know he is a bit resentful and mad at me for spending my vacation with him doing all of this. I wish I could include him, but I don't want to force the issue. Now I want to learn more and dive more (which is totally dreaming since I am a grad student with not much money!). Every time I talk about it he gets quiet. I feel bad that I can't share this experience with him. Any advice or suggestions on how I should deal with these issues? Should I just lay low and not talk about diving too much? He is supportive of me diving and continuing to dive although it is expensive. I would greatly appreciate any advice as to how I can keep my marriage 'afloat' and me continue to dive with a low amount of guilt. LOL Thanks so much!

 

[joens]

I don't know if I can be a whole lot of help as my wife doesnt seem to want to dive either. But I try to keep the conflict to a minimum for instance an afternoon at the local lake, max cost 4$ for air and a couple dollars for gas goes over a lot better than a weeklong trip with the buddies to the ocean. you could go to the comal river on an afternoon and not be gone more than a few hours and not spend much time or money . I am assuming you dont have all your own gear if you are just getting started . if money is an issue find a dive buddy with extra gear so you dont have to rent . although some of the local lakes around you are poor visibility . Nueces Lake near camp wood is very clear although about 2 hours away from you .
joens

 

[scuba_katt]

Maybe the two of you could go to some sites that are decent snorkelling, not just scuba diving, and then he can understand what you probably love about it and maybe he won't be so resentful.

Surely he has a hobby/sport that you're not overly thrilled about that takes up a bit of his time too?

Bit of a tricky situation, I must agree. My boyf does dive, but his first love (after me I hope!) is rock-climbing, so we often organise trips away separately for each of our beloved sports, but on the same weekend, so there isn't one of us pining away on the couch for the other!

Good luck is all I can say, and happy diving !
Cheers

 

[Friggincold]

Not what you were looking for, but I know allot of divers(men and women) who have been divorced over this sport. Moderation for you will be the key. Don't think your going to go diving every weekend and not pay for it Good Luck and Dive safe

 

[Tim Ingersoll]

Friggincold once bubbled...
Not what you were looking for, but I know allot of divers(men and women) who have been divorced over this sport. Moderation for you will be the key. Don't think your going to go diving every weekend and not pay for it Good Luck and Dive safe

Good advice. I have learned that if your spouse is happy you will be happy and vice versa. My wife supports my diving because it makes me happy. I don't go overboard and value her opinion and input as to frequency and expense. Moderation and respect go a long way.

 

[MikeS]

Hopefully as he sees how much fun your having your husband will decide to give it a try. It worked for me, my wife just finished her class room and pool work and were going to the Florida Keys in January for here OW referral.

Good Luck,
Mike

 

[joens]

one thing that works out well though is that any where my wife wants to visit I'm in for it as long as I can find a dive site nearby .
sure we can go see aunt alice say isnt there a lake nearby . then ask on scuba board if anyone lives nearby . there you go a dive buddy , spouse is interested in the trip. rustle up a little gear and there you go.
joens

 

[inletsurf]

I know several diver couples who dive together. It's very common here in Florida, of course. As far as the divorce issue...I think its more of the "infatuation" that one person in the relationship has with the diving more than the other. This, in turn, tends to anger the less zealous partner, and in turn, can ignite some arguments. It's easy to get caught up in it, and dive more often than time can allow. I mean, after spending thousands of dollars on equipment, who wouldn't want to use it every weekend.

Moderation for you will be the key. Don't think your going to go diving every weekend and not pay for it

...excellent advice. Diving is a very fanatical sport, many people act as if it is a religion. When so much emphasis is placed on one particular thing or hobby that isn't a common interest between a couple, then the relationship can be easily strained.

I was married to a woman who secretly hated everything about the ocean. She eventually despised anything I did that was related to it...fishing, diving, surfing, whatever. Of course we were divorced eventually, not because of diving but the overall cumalative differences. I've learned that whatever your hobby is that you consider your "religious" hobby, make sure your partner has about the same interest as you do. It was painful for me to have a hobby that I enjoyed so much that my partner-best friend didn't even care about it. Now I just enjoy my diving and other hobbies with my friends, and just wait to meet that special lady who would love to go diving-fishing-surfing with me (single lady divers...hint-hint )

Victoriawtx, all I can say is hang in there. It's hard to compromise something that makes you happy to make the other happy. Sometimes it just leads to a role reversal (now you're angry and he's happy). I would continue to talk it out, and also tell him that it makes you very happy to just share it with him. I have felt your pain, and wish you good luck. Stay happy.

 

[Groundhog246]

I don't want to depress you but.....
From personal experience. When a spouse or SO does not share interests in a recreational activity, it spells trouble. I am enamoured of most water activites. First and foremost has been sailing, big boat, little boat, sailboard, if it's got a sail, I'm game. Throw in some canoeing, time at the beach, snorkelling and my first marriage was toast (partly because she did not want to be seen in a bathing suit). A couple of GF, also failed to appreciate my idea of fun. One lady I dated breifly, decided I was "whacked" when she accompanied me to the boat show in January and I drove us home with a sailboard strapped to the roof. I think it was the drivers staring at us on the snow covered road.
Scuba diving has come later and my second wife has also come to enjoy my lifestyle. Our first summer of boating, just about ended it all, but she was willing to try, took some courses and last summer it was her idea, that we buy a bigger boat. She also had some trouble equalizing at first. A visit to an ear, nose and throat and a prescription nose spray to clear up a long standing inflammation and she certified last summer. I'm not sure she'll ever be quite as passionatte as me about it (she declined to come diving last Sunday, air temp about 28F and water at 34F).
On a similar note, my mother in law took up golf and eventually came to quite enjoy it. She figured it was the only way she'd ever see him all summer.

If it is really just about equalizing. Has he ever tried scuba. I sure find it a lot easier to equalize descending and equalizing as I go with scuba gear, than I ever did snorkelling and breath hold diving. Partly the position. I have almost no problem in a feet down position, some struggles in a horizontal postion and almost impossible to equalize in a head down position. If his only experience is breath hold diving, which requires a head down attitude, it's quite likely he could still scuba without pain. I'd check out local (to where you live) instruction, most offer "scuba experience" nights where he could try it in a pool. Taking his certification locally would also allow his to progress at a slower pace, than cramming it into a 1 or 2 week vacation. It may also help ease him into our "hobby", if you particiapte in one of his that you may not particularly care for.

Good luck, I do hope it works out.

 

[Louie]

victoriawtx,

As two separate idividuals, there's absolutely no way you could have all pastimes and interests in common. Where one has a recreational interest, the other usually has another interest that the spouse does not share (look at all the unaccompanied men on golf courses or on fishing trips). I've met plenty of men on dive trips who left their partners and families behind to enjoy diving and to get away on their own for a while. Sadly, I have yet to meet a woman doing something similar.

You may be limited financially as a student now but eventually, you'll have time and resources to enjoy more diving. So look into training and researching all the places you want to go to.

Yes you need common interests to have a successful relationship but at the same time, there's nothing wrong with some independent passions and time away from one another.