Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

 

[sandshaker]

TEX MEX Ebonics

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I ;shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

 

[Ed L.]

Playboy offered Sarah Palin a million dollars for her to pose.

National Geographic offered Michelle Obama the same.

 

[Deefstes]

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

Hmmm, is it common around those parts to have a teacher ask the kids to make sentences with "rectum" and "herpes"?

 

[m3830431]

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

 

[Deefstes]

Maybe he should think of getting some Robert Mugabe brain. It's cheap as it is sold in Zim dollars and it's never been used.

 

[m3830431]

How lawyers do it...

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

 

[Cerebral_Origami]

There were two guys, Joe and Mac, riveting steel on the 100th floor of a new high rise when Joe said to Mac, "Man I really need to take a leak!"
Mac: "Well go a ahead. I'll wait."
Joe: "I waited too long I'll never make it down in time!"
Mac: "No problem stand on the I-beam the crane is holding over the street and I'll stand on the other end. At this height it'll mist away before it hits the ground."
Joe: "OK I really can't wait."

So Mac stands on one end and Joe walks out to the end over the street, a 100 stories up, he unzips and lets fly. The foreman calls to Mac who, without thinking, steps off the beam to go see what he wants.
Joe plummets to the ground a 100 stories below.
A policeman looks at the crowd gathered around the body and asks, "Does anyone know what happened?"
One guy steps up and says I think it was a fight between two homosexuals!"
The cop looks at him incredulously and says, "What makes you say that?"
Well I was working on the 20th floor when he fell past and he had his dick in his hand and was yelling: "You c**k sucker!"

 

[Cerebral_Origami]

Divers do it Deeper.
Divers do it by going down.
Divers do it wet.
Divers do it with the buddy system.
Divers do it on air.
Divers do it with rubber.
Divers do it under pressure.
Divers do it in their suits.
Divers do it while masked.
Divers do it without coming up for air.
Divers do it on a reef.
Divers do it on a wreck.
Divers do it through the ice.
Divers do it with a regulator.

 

[m3830431]

Satan was complaining bitterly to God:

"You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm not perfect, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.