Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Ed L.]

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new
store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious old senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling @$$-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well.
Only two left.'
Seniors - God bless them - don't mess with them.

 

[m3830431]

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

 

[mike_s]

What do you call a lawyer that can't cut it in private practice on his own?


"Your Honor".

 

[m3830431]

What is a criminal lawyer?

Redundant.

 

[mike_s]

 

[m3830431]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

 

[sandmanz32]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.


This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who
did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.
'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now
stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.


Then slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic
rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding.. I never said you were a member of the Ku
Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets.
'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[m3830431]

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

 

[msbrew]

Happy Birthday...
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. An unorthodox choice for sure, but she just thought that since he was finally 40 years old, she'd give him a special treat.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave.

"He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and sarcastically says, "Looks like you picked up a real winner tonight, Dave."

 

[mike_s]

The New Element - Governmentium (Gv)

Recent hurricanes and gasoline prices are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to anytime from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of two-six years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.