Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Divergirl4U]

A Divemaster’s wish…
Near a lake used by scuba divers was a dive shop. One day a man walked in to the shop carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the counter and was greeted by an instructor. The instructor naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard.
"He's fantastic!" said the instructor, "Where did you get him?"
"Well," said the customer, "I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake all alone, at about 15 feet, and looking very fatigued. I took hold of the frog and ascended to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore.
"When I put him down – and you're not going to believe this bit", the man said, "the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was an unfortunate genie turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn't doing well as a frog." But the best part was that for saving his life he agreed to grant me a wish.
"Well, being the attentive dive buddy I am, I noticed the frog having some difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I clearly told him my wish, – and that was how I got a 10 inch pianist!"

 

[ScubaSteve]

Three Instructors
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean there's a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine, until the boat springs a leak, and starts to sink.

The SSI instructor says to his students, Okay we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive.

The NAUI instructor says to his students, Okay we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore.

The PADI instructor says to his students, Okay for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!

:lol: :rofl4:

 

[Divergirl4U]

See ya' soon...
Till and Runner were best friends and long-time dive buddies. One evening they were relaxing over a few post-dive brews. As the beer and the conversation flowed, they began discussing the afterlife. As they talked, they began to wonder if there would be any diving in heaven. They made a pact that when one died, he would somehow get word to the survivor as to the dive situation in the hereafter.
Sadly, Till was eaten by a Great White Shark two weeks later. Runner was very depressed by the loss of his friend and didn't return to the water for TWO WHOLE DAYS! But the third day was a Saturday, and the seas were calm, so he figured his pal Till would want him back below the surface. So he loaded up the gear and headed to the ocean for a solo shore dive. As he was gearing up, Till appeared. Shocked, Runner stammered, "I thought you were sharkbait."
Till responded, "I am, but don't you remember our pact? I'm here to let you know what it's like in heaven. I bring you both good news and bad news. The good news is that there is indeed diving in heaven, and it is fabulous. The boatrides are short, there's never a current and no surge. The water is warm. The coral reef is far more beautiful than any we've seen on earth. There is constant interaction with large creatures, but at the same time the macro life is amazing. And since you're at such a high altitude, you have unlimited bottom time."
Runner responded, "Man that sounds absolutely incredible. With things that great how could there possibly be any bad news?" And Till replied, "We'll be dive buddies again tomorrow."

 

[Divergirl4U]

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous to some people?

Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.
About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him...

 

[Ed L.]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, -- let's look for yours."

 

[Ed L.]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

 

[Rhone Man]

This might only be funny to people who have lived in the UK and are used to the extremely stuffy signs that British Rail put up at train stations, but it was too good not to post...

 

[m3830431]

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

 

[Divergirl4U]

^^^^^^

 

[sandshaker]

omg this is sooo funny .. yet maybe a little sad idk.... no funny!!


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