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WOODMAN
Contributor
The hospital was running short of staff again, so they decided to hire a group of cannibals as orderlies. The administrator called them together and said "Now, this is your big chance. You will get good pay, and all your meals in the hospital commissary. You can do well for yourselves here, if you don't screw it up, AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY THAT!" They all assured him they would cause no problems, and they started work. 4 weeks went by, and the administrator called them together again. "I am impressed with the good job you all have been doing, and there have been no problems, except for one little thing. Yesterday one of our nurses went missing. Do any of you have any idea what happened to her?" The cannibals all assured him that they knew nothing, and he then left. The leader of the group then turned to them and said "All right- which one of you ate the nurse?" One of the guys in the back sheepishly raised his hand. The leader exploded "I just don't believe this! Here we have been eating administrative staff for 4 weeks and nobody has noticed, and YOU have to go and eat a NURSE!" 
pidgiepoo
Contributor
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?
santafejoe
Contributor
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Just got scammed outta $25!
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favourite 18 holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Damn Waste of money.
Pass this on so others don't get scammed..
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favourite 18 holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Damn Waste of money.
Pass this on so others don't get scammed..
pidgiepoo
Contributor
> A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
> noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
> asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>
> The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
>
>
> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini
> the man had
> ever had.
>
> The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
>
> The man answered "oh, about 164."
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
>
> 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
>
>
> etc........
>
> The man was most impressed. He left the bar
> but thought he would try a
>
> different tact.. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
>
>
> and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>
> Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
>
>
> This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
> discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
> Dodgers to do this weekend.
>
>
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
> stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?
>
> This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".
>
>
>
> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>
>
>
>
> "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?
> noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
> asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>
> The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
>
>
> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini
> the man had
> ever had.
>
> The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
>
> The man answered "oh, about 164."
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
>
> 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
>
>
> etc........
>
> The man was most impressed. He left the bar
> but thought he would try a
>
> different tact.. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
>
>
> and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>
> Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
>
>
> This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
> discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
> Dodgers to do this weekend.
>
>
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
> stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?
>
> This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".
>
>
>
> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>
>
>
>
> "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
Just to lighten it up
ScubaTigress
Contributor
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
**** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
**** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
Great diversion :thumbs-up
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
This is intended as a joke and is not pointed at ANYBODY. Seriously it is intended to lighten the mood in here.
Stop me if you have heard this already.
There is this [-]fat[/-] [-]slightly overweight[/-] [-]pudgy[/-] moderately healthy [-]diver[/-] [-]SCUBA enthusiast[/-] [-]OW skills master[/-] non descript lover of water from [-]Canada[/-] [-]USA[/-] [-]Mexico[/-] [-]Brazil[/-] [-]Thailand[/-] [-]China[/-] [-]Japan[/-] planet earth that [-]loved[/-] [-]liked[/-] [-]enjoyed[/-] sometimes did not dislike to scuba in the [-]oceans[/-] [-]lakes[/-] [-]rivers[/-] [-]quarries[/-] [-]ponds[/-] bodies of water of any shape and size.............
SCREW IT.....THIS NO FUN ANYMORE
Stop me if you have heard this already.
There is this [-]fat[/-] [-]slightly overweight[/-] [-]pudgy[/-] moderately healthy [-]diver[/-] [-]SCUBA enthusiast[/-] [-]OW skills master[/-] non descript lover of water from [-]Canada[/-] [-]USA[/-] [-]Mexico[/-] [-]Brazil[/-] [-]Thailand[/-] [-]China[/-] [-]Japan[/-] planet earth that [-]loved[/-] [-]liked[/-] [-]enjoyed[/-] sometimes did not dislike to scuba in the [-]oceans[/-] [-]lakes[/-] [-]rivers[/-] [-]quarries[/-] [-]ponds[/-] bodies of water of any shape and size.............
SCREW IT.....THIS NO FUN ANYMORE
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