that's not a good example of mixed emotions..or
That was directed towards Jax, not your joke.
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That was directed towards Jax, not your joke.
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
CD quit picking on us little people 
....MEANIE 
....MEANIE 
mlkco
Contributor
Terror Alert
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
>
> 1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>
> -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
> -- Alan, age 10 (good plan Alan)
>
> -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
> -- Kristen, age 10
> 2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
> -- Camille, age 10
>
> 3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
> You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
> -- Derrick, age 8
>
> 4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
> Both don't want any more kids.
> -- Lori, age 8
>
> 5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
> -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
> -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
>
> -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
> -- Martin, age 10
>
> 6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
> -When they're rich.
> -- Pam, age 7
>
> -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
> - - Curt, age 7
>
> -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
> - - Howard, age 8
>
> 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
> It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9
> 8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
> There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
> -- Kelvin, age 8
>
> And the #1 Favorite is....
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
> Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
> -- Ricky , age 10
> 1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>
> -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
> -- Alan, age 10 (good plan Alan)
>
> -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
> -- Kristen, age 10
> 2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
> -- Camille, age 10
>
> 3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
> You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
> -- Derrick, age 8
>
> 4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
> Both don't want any more kids.
> -- Lori, age 8
>
> 5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
> -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
> -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
>
> -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
> -- Martin, age 10
>
> 6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
> -When they're rich.
> -- Pam, age 7
>
> -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
> - - Curt, age 7
>
> -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
> - - Howard, age 8
>
> 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
> It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9
> 8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
> There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
> -- Kelvin, age 8
>
> And the #1 Favorite is....
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
> Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
> -- Ricky , age 10
Tom is finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills of the South Island, New Zealand as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta Texas. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
ScubaTigress
Contributor
pidgiepoo
Contributor
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
> A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
> The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?
> The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
> "Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
> A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
> The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?
> The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
> "Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
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