Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[ssidiv3r]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he though he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come her quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?” when the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now lets go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

[ScubaSteve]

"Mom mom mom mom mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy mama mama mama ma ma ma ma" "WHAT!?!"... "Hi"

 

[Rhone Man]

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.who re presents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expert s exchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island.' It can be found at:
www.penis land.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
www.the rapist finder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.power genitalia.com

6.'IP computer' software, there's always:
www.i p anywhere.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedo fart.com

{Sorry, I had to mess around with the spacing to stop both the bad language police and the automatic URL parser}

 

[Deefstes]

You forgot www.Molestation Nursery.com

 

[Ed L.]

Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.


'Fred,' he replies.


'Fred what?' the officer asks.


'Just Fred,' the man responds.


The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.


The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.


When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.


Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.


Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.


Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.


Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.


Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

[Ed L.]

Sitting together on a train was Obama , George Bush Jr ., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap Obama again.

 

[mike_s]

 

[Ed L.]

An Israeli doctor quotes, "Medicine in our country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor quotes, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor quotes "In our country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An American doctor quotes. "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no BRAIN out of Illinois, we put him in the White House, and within SIX MONTHS, half the COUNTRY is looking for Work...”

 

[jupitermermaid]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.



He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked..

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden,' she said.

 

[jupitermermaid]

Three
rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As
they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls
off the tower and is killed instantly. As the
ambulance takes the body
away,
Ronnie
says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell
his wife.

Donnie
says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive
stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes
back carrying a case of Budweiser.





Ronnie
says, 'Where did you get that beer,
Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,'
Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you
told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.
'When she answered the door,
I
said to her, "you must be Cooter's
widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.
I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet
you a case of Budweiser you
are.'


Rednecks
are good at sensitive stuff.