santafejoe
Contributor
OMG
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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m3830431
Contributor
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
OMG.......luved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wstein
Contributor
hmmm, guess that explains how that one woman know I was single that time at the grocery store.
m3830431
Contributor
How To Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails./tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and
thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails./tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and
thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
stiebs
Contributor
You probably need to elaborate more on a couple of points about drying:
Female:
15. Get out of shower and dab yourself dry with a towel the size ...
Male:
16. Dry off by holding each end of the towel and rubbing vigourously from side to side - everyone knows thats what *really* gets all the dirt off.
Female:
15. Get out of shower and dab yourself dry with a towel the size ...
Male:
16. Dry off by holding each end of the towel and rubbing vigourously from side to side - everyone knows thats what *really* gets all the dirt off.
santafejoe
Contributor
Either way it was funny and true.
santafejoe
Contributor
This is why married gals shouldn't go on girls nite out -----------
> >
> > The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls'.
> > I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
> > ; Well,the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy. Around
> > 3a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
> > cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.Quickly,
> > realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
>I
> > was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
> > solution in order
> > to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed)...3
> > cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT.
> > The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
> > told him "Midnight"!. He didn't seem angry at all. Got away with
> > that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock
> > cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh#@.", cuckooed 4 more
> > times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
> > twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
> >
> > The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls'.
> > I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
> > ; Well,the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy. Around
> > 3a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
> > cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.Quickly,
> > realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
>I
> > was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
> > solution in order
> > to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed)...3
> > cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT.
> > The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
> > told him "Midnight"!. He didn't seem angry at all. Got away with
> > that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock
> > cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh#@.", cuckooed 4 more
> > times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
> > twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
m3830431
Contributor
Just payback :no
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