Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sandshaker]

Sandshaker you dyed your hair

huh

 

[sandshaker]

I got this email earlier today funny!!!
STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.



A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!



I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries right?!!



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it could work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.



The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..



I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!@$$!%

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return ... Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

[wstein]

good lord!!! what was that man thinking of????

 

[Fish_Whisperer]

Ken & Joe: Big Game Hunters!

 

[MartianBeerPig]

Don't fart in your wetsuit.

 

[MartianBeerPig]

so much for that

http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_175-4008-Never-Fart-In-A-Wet-Suit.html

 

[sandshaker]

>>> Remarkable Obituary
>>>
>>> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
>>> Mr. Common Sense.
>>> Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.
>>> No one knows for sure how old
>>> he was since his birth records were long ago
>>> lost in bureaucratic red tape.
>>>
>>> He will be remembered as having cultivated
>>> such value lessons as knowing
>>> when to come in out of the rain,
>>> why the early bird gets the worm and
>>> that life isn't always fair.
>>> Common Sense lived by simple,
>>> sound financial policies
>>> (don't spend more than you earn)
>>> and reliable Parenting strategies
>>> (adults, not kids, are in charge).
>>>
>>> His health began to rapidly deteriorate
>>> when well intentioned but
>>> overbearing regulations were set i n place.
>>> Reports of a six-year-old
>>> boy charged with sexual harassment
>>> for kissing a classmate;
>>> teens suspended from school for using
>>> mouthwash after lunch;
>>> and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
>>> unruly student,
>>> only worsened his condition.
>>>
>>> Mr. Sense declined even further when
>>> schools were required to get parental consent
>>> to administer aspirin to a student;
>>> but, could not inform the parents when a student
>>> became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
>>>
>>> Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live
>>> as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
>>> churches became businesses;
>>> and criminals received better treatment
>>> than their victims.
>>>
>>> Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
>>> after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
>>> hot,
>>> she spilled a bit in her lap,
>>> and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
>>>
>>> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust,
>>> his wife, Discretion;
>>> his daughter, Responsibility;
>>> and his son, Reason.
>>>
>>> He is survived by two stepbrothers;
>>> My Rights and Ima Whiner.
>>> Not many attended his funeral because
>>> so few realized he was gone.
>>>
>>> If you still remember him,
>>> pass this on;
>>> if not, join the majority and do nothing

 

[Fish_Whisperer]

1. Go to Google.com.

2. Click on Maps.

3. Click on Get Directions.

4. From: New York, New York.

5. To: Paris, France.

6. Then, read line #23.

7. Laugh.

 

[wstein]

hmmm, that is a long straight away

 

[Fish_Whisperer]

You pretty good at doing the crawl stroke? LOL