Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
>
> restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
>
> their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
>
> she'll see him later and walks away.

... The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."



> "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
>
> want a divorce!"
>
>
>
> "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
>
> get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more
>
> wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar
>
> in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large
>
> Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
>
>
>
> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
>
> babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
>
>
>
> "Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

[eponym]

For the finale of his act, a magician asks for a volunteer. He selects someone to join him onstage. He announces, "For my final act, I will survive being hit on my temple with this sledge hammer" and lays his head down on the stage.

The burly volunteer asks, "Are you sure?" The magician declares, "I know it seems scary, but this is an awesome trick. Go ahead."

So the volunteer swings the hammer, hitting the magician right on the temple!

Ten years later, as he awakes from his coma, the magician shouts, "TA-DA!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Too cute not to share!!

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

Her mother answers laughingly, but that’'s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

 

[dmoore19]

[FONT=&quot] Car Keys[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]



[FONT=&quot]Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[FONT=&quot]Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. [/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." [/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.[/FONT]

 

[pidgiepoo]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as

running 8 miles.
>
>
>
> Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

 

[ScubaSteve]

:spit:

 

[WOODMAN]

There is a variety of dromedary which has fur that is so closely colored to the sand around it that it blends in and is very difficult to see. Some call it the invisible dromedary, but in reality it is just very well camelflaged.

 

[t4e]

Two Americans, Bob and Jeff, decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a piñata?"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Job Placement


One of the questions on the career placement test given to job applicants for job placement was:

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect!"

Those who spelled spine became doctors, the rest of us applied to the Secret Service for employment.

 

[pidgiepoo]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
>
>
>
> An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
> offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
> patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
> receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
> He gave her his name.
>
>
>
> In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
> YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
>
>
>
> All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
> the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud
> voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT
> I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

---------- Post added ----------

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so
> I described a typical day this way:
>
>
>
> "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight
> beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down
> several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of
> quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks"
> behind big trees."
>
>
>
> Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors
> man!"
>
>
>
> "No," I replied, "I'm just a ****ty golfer."