Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[dmoore19]

Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, ³said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

> A doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.
"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
> want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
Doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,taking off everything including
her panties and liesdown on the table and shouts:
‘HELP ME - I haven'tseen a man in over two years!!’"
"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!"

 

[AlbertaDan]

Has anyone heard of the newest recycling initiative by MMSB in Newfoundland? They are starting to recycle condoms.

They turn them inside out and wash the f@&$ out of them.

 

[gcarter]

Has anyone heard of the newest recycling initiative by MMSB in Newfoundland? They are starting to recycle condoms.

They turn them inside out and wash the f@&$ out of them.

Then they are sold to the CFAs...

 

[pidgiepoo]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards,forward,then backwards again, back and
> forth,back and forth........in and out...in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
> softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
> exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.................
"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f!!!!!! car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked
and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[Jax]

 

[AlbertaDan]

So this old Newfie couple had been married for 40yrs or so, and every morning the old guy would let out this window rattling gas. The old woman would tell him that one day he s&%$ out his guts. This one particular day the old woman got up early to get the turkey ready for Sunday dinner.She thought to herself, I'm going to teach him a lesson. She took the giblets out of the turkey sneaked back up stairs and put them in the bed just behind his butt. Then went back downstairs to finish getting ready. Sure enough a short time later she heard him wake up by the familiar sound of his early morning trumpet. Then silence. A few minutes later he came downstairs.

He commented, " You were right. One morning I would s&%$ my guts, but with some Vaseline and these 2 fingers I managed to put them back..."

 

[pidgiepoo]

The Nursing Home
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his
drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump
up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then
they all said in unison, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three
old ladies happily crowed.....'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

 

[SC_Hoaty]