OP
sandshaker
Contributor
or doggy paddle???
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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santafejoe
Contributor
Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip wi th the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert,! play or book.
Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may! -king luv) n.
Fem ale...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand
by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?!
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They! already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip wi th the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert,! play or book.
Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may! -king luv) n.
Fem ale...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand
by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?!
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They! already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
irishsquid
Contributor
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde are at a bar having drinks.
After quite a few drinks the Russian brags, "You know, Russians were the first in space".
The American says, " Yeah, but we put the only men on the moon".
The Blonde looks at both of them and says, "So what, blondes will be the first to land on the Sun".
Both the Russian and American start laughing and say,"You can't land on the Sun, you'll burn up".
She "thinks" for just a second and says, "Hellooo, we're going at night".
After quite a few drinks the Russian brags, "You know, Russians were the first in space".
The American says, " Yeah, but we put the only men on the moon".
The Blonde looks at both of them and says, "So what, blondes will be the first to land on the Sun".
Both the Russian and American start laughing and say,"You can't land on the Sun, you'll burn up".
She "thinks" for just a second and says, "Hellooo, we're going at night".
Nay
Contributor
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."[/FONT]
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."[/FONT]
m3830431
Contributor
It*started*out*innocently*enough.*I*began*to*think*at*cocktail parties.
Now*and*then*--*just*to*loosen*up.
Inevitably,*though,*one*thought*led*to*another,*and*soon*I*was*more**than*just*a*social*thinker.*I*began*to*think*alone*--*"to*relax,"*I*told*myself*--*but*I*knew*it*wasn't*true.
*Thinking*became*more*and*more*important*to*me,*and*finally*I*was**thinking*all*the*time.*That*was*when*things*began*to*sour*at*home. One evening*I*had*turned*off*the*TV*and*asked*my*wife*about*the*meaning*of*life.
*She spent*that*night*at*her*mother's.
I*began*to*think*on*the*job.*I*knew*that*thinking*and*employment*don't*mix, but*I*couldn't*stop*myself.*I*began*to*avoid*friends*at*lunchtime*so*I*could read*Thoreau*and*Kafka.*I*would*return*to*the*office*dizzied*and*confused,asking,*"What*is*it*exactly*we*are*doing*here?"
*One*day*the*boss*called*me*in*to*his*office.*He*said,*"Listen,*I*like**you,**and*it*hurts*me*to*say*this,*but*your*thinking*has*become*a*real problem.*If*you*don't*stop*thinking*on*the*job,*you'll*have*to*find*another job." This*gave*me*a*lot*to*think*about.
I*came*home*early*after*my*conversation*with*the*boss.*"Honey,"*I confessed, "I've*been*thinking*..."*"I*know*you've*been*thinking,"*she*said,*"and*I*want*a*divorce!"
"But*honey,*surely*it's*not*that*serious."
"It*is*serious,"*she*said,*lower*lip*aquiver.*"You*think*as*much*as**college*professors,*and*college*professors*don't*make*any*money,*so*if*y ou keep*on*thinking,*we*won't*have*any*money!"
*"That's*a*faulty*syllogism,"*I*said*impatiently.*She*exploded*in*tears*o f rage*and*frustration,*but*I*was*in*no*mood*to*deal*with*the**emotional*drama.*"I'm*going*to*the*library,"*I*snarled*as*I*stomped
out*the*door.*I*headed*for*the*library,*in*the*mood*for*some*Nietzsche.*I*roared*
into*the*parking*lot*with*NPR*on*the*radio*and*ran*up*to*the*big*glass doors...
*They*didn't*open.*The*library*was*closed.
*To*this*day,*I*believe*that*a*Higher*Power*was*looking*out*for*me*that*
night.
*As*I*sank*to*the*ground,*clawing*at*the*unfeeling*glass,*whimpering**for*Zarathustra,*a*poster*caught*my*eye.*"Friend,*is*heavy*thinking**ruining*your*life?"*it*asked.
You*probably*recognize*that*line.*It*comes*from*the*standard*Thinker's*
Anonymous*poster.**Which*is*why*I*am*what*I*am*today:*a*recovering*thinker.
I*never*miss*a*TA*meeting.*At*each*meeting*we*watch*a*non-educational*video; last*week*it*was*"Porky's."*Then*we*share*experiences*about*how*we*
avoided*thinking*since*the*last*meeting.
I still*have*my*job,*and*things*are*a*lot*better*at*home.
Life*just*seemed...*easier,*somehow,*as*soon*as*I*stopped*thinking.
I*believe*the*road*to*recovery*is*nearly*complete*for*me.
Today,*I*registered*to*vote*as*a*Republican.
Now*and*then*--*just*to*loosen*up.
Inevitably,*though,*one*thought*led*to*another,*and*soon*I*was*more**than*just*a*social*thinker.*I*began*to*think*alone*--*"to*relax,"*I*told*myself*--*but*I*knew*it*wasn't*true.
*Thinking*became*more*and*more*important*to*me,*and*finally*I*was**thinking*all*the*time.*That*was*when*things*began*to*sour*at*home. One evening*I*had*turned*off*the*TV*and*asked*my*wife*about*the*meaning*of*life.
*She spent*that*night*at*her*mother's.
I*began*to*think*on*the*job.*I*knew*that*thinking*and*employment*don't*mix, but*I*couldn't*stop*myself.*I*began*to*avoid*friends*at*lunchtime*so*I*could read*Thoreau*and*Kafka.*I*would*return*to*the*office*dizzied*and*confused,asking,*"What*is*it*exactly*we*are*doing*here?"
*One*day*the*boss*called*me*in*to*his*office.*He*said,*"Listen,*I*like**you,**and*it*hurts*me*to*say*this,*but*your*thinking*has*become*a*real problem.*If*you*don't*stop*thinking*on*the*job,*you'll*have*to*find*another job." This*gave*me*a*lot*to*think*about.
I*came*home*early*after*my*conversation*with*the*boss.*"Honey,"*I confessed, "I've*been*thinking*..."*"I*know*you've*been*thinking,"*she*said,*"and*I*want*a*divorce!"
"But*honey,*surely*it's*not*that*serious."
"It*is*serious,"*she*said,*lower*lip*aquiver.*"You*think*as*much*as**college*professors,*and*college*professors*don't*make*any*money,*so*if*y ou keep*on*thinking,*we*won't*have*any*money!"
*"That's*a*faulty*syllogism,"*I*said*impatiently.*She*exploded*in*tears*o f rage*and*frustration,*but*I*was*in*no*mood*to*deal*with*the**emotional*drama.*"I'm*going*to*the*library,"*I*snarled*as*I*stomped
out*the*door.*I*headed*for*the*library,*in*the*mood*for*some*Nietzsche.*I*roared*
into*the*parking*lot*with*NPR*on*the*radio*and*ran*up*to*the*big*glass doors...
*They*didn't*open.*The*library*was*closed.
*To*this*day,*I*believe*that*a*Higher*Power*was*looking*out*for*me*that*
night.
*As*I*sank*to*the*ground,*clawing*at*the*unfeeling*glass,*whimpering**for*Zarathustra,*a*poster*caught*my*eye.*"Friend,*is*heavy*thinking**ruining*your*life?"*it*asked.
You*probably*recognize*that*line.*It*comes*from*the*standard*Thinker's*
Anonymous*poster.**Which*is*why*I*am*what*I*am*today:*a*recovering*thinker.
I*never*miss*a*TA*meeting.*At*each*meeting*we*watch*a*non-educational*video; last*week*it*was*"Porky's."*Then*we*share*experiences*about*how*we*
avoided*thinking*since*the*last*meeting.
I still*have*my*job,*and*things*are*a*lot*better*at*home.
Life*just*seemed...*easier,*somehow,*as*soon*as*I*stopped*thinking.
I*believe*the*road*to*recovery*is*nearly*complete*for*me.
Today,*I*registered*to*vote*as*a*Republican.
Parrothead_Diver
Contributor
Is it just me??? Or does that hurt you eyes??? 
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
Nay:
FUNNY!!!!!!!!!
santafejoe
Contributor
I think so too.
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
Subject: One-question IQ test
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day. There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now...
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day. There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now...
wstein
Contributor
I am going home now...thanks
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