dive bandit
Contributor
funny thing is, a few buddies and I tried that same experiment with a dog training collar...........it was a SHOCKING experience
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
and how much Budweiser had you guys consumed before you had the "stupid attack" ??? Must be another one of those "guy things".
sandmanz32
Contributor
I used to party with this guy who would let us taze him in the nuts for 20 bux. It's great entertainment when you are drunk!
mike_s
Contributor
mlkco
Contributor
The Tale of the Squirrel and the Grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
____________________THE END____________________
THE BRITISH VERSION:
(Which could almost have been written by George Orwell)
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house20and laying
up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to
know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate,
like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video
of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that, in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace,
Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a
multicultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share", and increases the charge for squirrels to
enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grassh opper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work on his home,
with an additional fine for contempt (for telling the court that grasshoppers do not want to work).
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it, and an account with a
local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to
the more needy members of society - in this case, the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly-imposed retroactive taxes,
the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old
home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum-seeking cats, which had hijacked a plane to
get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival, they tried to blow
up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were
immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they
would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from other peoples' credit cards.
A Panorama Special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring
is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered
to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the
grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit.
He is imprisoned, but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed
In the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks, he has killed a guinea
pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, which will eventually cost £10m to state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers, and legal aid for lawyers
representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain 's multicultural diversity, while dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of
government to ad dress the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid £1m each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there
were mice in the United Kingdom .
The squirrel, the dogs, and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies, all have to pay an
additional percentage on their credit cards to cover the losses; their taxes are increased to pay for law and order;
and they are told that they will all have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
_____________THE END_______________
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
____________________THE END____________________
THE BRITISH VERSION:
(Which could almost have been written by George Orwell)
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house20and laying
up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to
know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate,
like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video
of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that, in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace,
Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a
multicultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share", and increases the charge for squirrels to
enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grassh opper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work on his home,
with an additional fine for contempt (for telling the court that grasshoppers do not want to work).
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it, and an account with a
local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to
the more needy members of society - in this case, the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly-imposed retroactive taxes,
the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old
home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum-seeking cats, which had hijacked a plane to
get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival, they tried to blow
up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were
immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they
would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from other peoples' credit cards.
A Panorama Special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring
is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered
to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the
grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit.
He is imprisoned, but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed
In the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks, he has killed a guinea
pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, which will eventually cost £10m to state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers, and legal aid for lawyers
representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain 's multicultural diversity, while dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of
government to ad dress the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid £1m each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there
were mice in the United Kingdom .
The squirrel, the dogs, and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies, all have to pay an
additional percentage on their credit cards to cover the losses; their taxes are increased to pay for law and order;
and they are told that they will all have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
_____________THE END_______________
santafejoe
Contributor
Italian Tomato Garden:
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
sandmanz32
Contributor
Recently I have come to a conclusion about women. A man will never be able to fully satisfy a woman. As far as I know, no man on Earth has a penis made of chocolate that ejaculates money. Just my thought for the day.
santafejoe
Contributor
^ Good one. ^
Good one. ^
santafejoe
Contributor
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home
because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the heck is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'
because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the heck is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Did you make this one up???...come on now and confess.
Seems like anyone who is willing to pay $20 bux to shock someone, might have dreamed this one up, too.Similar threads
