Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Brian Sharpe]

Vern's Wedding Night

At 78 years of age, Vern married Suzie, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Suzie decided that after their wedding she and Vern should have separate bedrooms, she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Suzie prepared herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock came, the door opened and there is Vern, her 78 year old groom, ready for action..

They unite as one.

All goes well, Vern takes his leave and she prepares to go to sleep.

A few minutes later Suzie hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Vern - again he is ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised, Susie consents for more coupling..

When the newlyweds are done, Vern kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

Exhausted from Vern's amorous attentions Suzie is set to go to sleep when again there is a gentle knock on the door........Vern is back, fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.

And, once again, they enjoy each other.

As Vern gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Vern.'

Vern, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Suzie and says......

'You mean I was here already?'

 

[santafejoe]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso..
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face..
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ' I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling

'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are going to have to let one of you go.


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER -

AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 

[Rhone Man]

Definition of unconditional love:

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car, drive around for an hour and open the trunk. Guess which of them is pleased to see you?

 

[santafejoe]

The Dog

 

[Deefstes]

Definition of unconditional love:

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car, drive around for an hour and open the trunk. Guess which of them is pleased to see you?

 

[pidgiepoo]

Definition of unconditional love:

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car, drive around for an hour and open the trunk. Guess which of them is pleased to see you?

Depends.... if the dog was even alive after the wife got done practicing on him all the things she planned to do to you when she got out of that trunk !!

 

[Ed L.]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. 

She thought long and hard  about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,  figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my  boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and  placed them neatly by her  boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands,  he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him an

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

I didn't see it coming, either!

 

[dive bandit]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' ........................EMTs were called.

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ...'OH NO! .......IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'HEY! There's no toilet paper in here.' .... One of the clerks passed out.

 

[Ed L.]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you
know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every
person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

 

[mlkco]

Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's "Best Decorated House" contest due to a bad attitude..