Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom


She asked Chelsea... "have you had sex with Marc?"


Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Best Caddy Replies


Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

 

[mlkco]

Why dogs are better than women:

Dogs don't cry

Dogs love it when your friends come over

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo

Dogs think you sing great

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink

Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs

Dogs don't notice if you call them another dog's name

Dogs are excited by rough play

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair

Anyone can get a good looking dog

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it

Dogs don't shop

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor

Dogs never need to examine the relationship

A dog's parents never visit

Dogs love long car trips

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions

When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it

Dogs like beer

Dogs don't hate their bodies

Dogs never criticize

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

Dogs never expect gifts

Dogs don't worry about germs

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've had

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives

You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewellery

Dogs don't borrow your shirts

Dogs never want foot rubs

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk

Dogs can't talk

Dogs seldom outlive you

 

[sctom]

Gotta love old-er people !

A old-er man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,

"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

 

[pidgiepoo]

A husband and wife are shopping at their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It�s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'



On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

[Cave Diver]

I was looking at reviews for a tool I was thinking of buying and found this one:

This Thing Really Cuts The Mustard! Review by Bootsy Broadass


I bought one of the variable speed units and it really works on every project that I have tried. I cut off copper piping, scraped off old paint, cut out rotten wood, made precise intricate cuts for trim, made my wife get an Orgasm (needed a special attachment for that, but it really works), sanded down wood and metal........ this thing does it all!!! And the wife will love it too!!!

(Posted on 7/21/10)

 

[SolarStorm]

The Logic of the Great Whites

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"

 

[santafejoe]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659



CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.


She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.



The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'



'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

[pidgiepoo]

> Spring Classes for Women at
> THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
>
> REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
> By Sat., May 29, 2010
>
> NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
> OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
>
> Class 1
> Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
> Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
> Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
>
> Class 2
> Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
> Round Table Discussion.
> Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
>
> Class 3
> Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
> Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
> Class 4
> Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
> Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
>
> Class 5
> Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
> Examples on Video.
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
> At 7:00 PM
>
> Class 6
> How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
> Help Line Support and Support Groups.
> Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
>
> Class 7
> Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
> Open Forum.
> Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
>
> Class 8
> Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
> Class 9
> I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
>
> Class 10
> How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
> Driving Simulations.
> 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
>
> Class 11
> Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
> Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
>
> Class 12
> How to Shop by Yourself.
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
>
> Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[MXGratefulDiver]

There has been some confusion about the medical and psychological distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are examples of the difference:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the courage to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the courage to say: 'You're next, chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion about the psychological definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference between the two - they both result in death.

... Bob (Grateful Diver)