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Mayan1: “Hey, wanna go get a beer or something?”

Mayan2: “Well, I’m working on this calendar right now, but I guess if I don’t finish it, it wouldn’t be the end of the world….”
 
This thread is great
 
Did you hear about the big accident in New York? A truck carrying 2000 pounds of human hair going to a wig factory overturned on the Brooklyn Bridge and tied up traffic for hours!

Police are still combing the area...
 
:yuck:
 
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!They are questioning how many dependent I claimed. I guess it was
because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million
unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 240 prisons,
half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?


---------- Post added December 27th, 2012 at 04:42 AM ----------

My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
>
>
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> All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her.
>
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> The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
>
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> I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
>
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> I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
>
>
> I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
>
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> Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
>
>
> My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."







 
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---------- Post added December 28th, 2012 at 12:04 PM ----------

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!''

---------- Post added December 28th, 2012 at 01:12 PM ----------

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."
 
Four guys have been going to the same springs camping/diving trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
... "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So . . . . here I am !
 
:lol: I think that one's been posted multiple times.
 
:lol: I think that one's been posted multiple times.

Probably technically incorrect as I saw it first today on another site and changed the wording a bit for divers. At best, it's just plagiarism :)

---------- Post added January 1st, 2013 at 06:40 PM ----------

Actual Face Book post from a diving friend:

"I can always kind of tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs!"

Gotta love it. I'm sure he was just being funny (think so anyway :D)
 
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