Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

> Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
>
> Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
>
> Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
>
> Last year you suggested Tahiti and damned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
>
> Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
>
> "I'm taking Earlene with me."

 

[Insta-Gator]

:shocked2:

Poor Earlene.

 

[nefiii]

Oops! Lol

 

[SC_Hoaty]

.


A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."

 

[mlkco]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a**h**e before prison, ...............

 

[Jax]

 

[pidgiepoo]

Definition of Dilemma


One friend said to
the other, “Give me the definition
of "dilemma”.

He replied, “Well,
there's nothing better than this example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big
bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay
man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?”

 

[Insta-Gator]

Definition of Dilemma


One friend said to
the other, “Give me the definition
of "dilemma”.

He replied, “Well,
there's nothing better than this example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big
bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay
man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?”

Sometimes you gotta ignore the premise and think out side the box.

You come up with some funny jokes. Thanks.

---------- Post added March 8th, 2013 at 08:47 AM ----------

I'm exhausted .....


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm over worked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.



And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

 

[SC_Hoaty]

Two old guys were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."

 

[pidgiepoo]

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"
>
>
>
> I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser."
>
>
> Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
>
>
> "Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it.