Funniest Diving quotes you have heard

[ZapDiver]

Heard from an instructor: blowfish die if they get inflated three times.

 

[RikRaeder]

After hearing about my instabuddy's credentials ad naseum (deco, rebreather, instructor, Scapa Flow wrecks, etc).
Him to me; "I hope you're alright?"
Me to DM; "What's the signal for out of air again?"
To buddy; "I always forget that one when I need it."

 

[Conan3]

After the first dive, one diver looks over to another and asks him.

So what does your computer show for surface Interval?

The other diver gives him the Here's your sign look and ask him well how deep do you want to go?

 

[vintagediver]

While heading out on the boat to Bat Island Costa Rica, gearing up with my double hose regulator, I hear the 18 year old DM say:

Well....I haven't seen one of those in a long time.
Where is the second stage?

 

[cloudflint]

While getting kitted up on a pier wearing my horsecollar bc:

"wow i haven't seen one of those in ages next thing you know you will be diving a twin hose haha" *looks down and sees my bottle with the twin hose on it*

While wearing aforementioned horsecollar bc and twin hose:

"wow thats an interesting looking rebreather"

I overheard one commercial diver saying to another:

"Yeah the sea is only salt for the first ten meters so once you get below that its fresh so you can take you reg out and have a drink if you get thirsty"

And later that day:

Diver 1 - "hey I tried to drink at 12 meters and it tasted salty you *****"
Diver 2 - "Yeah it was a bit rough yesterday the salt and fresh water must have gotten mixed up a bit next time go a bit deeper before you try to take a drink in case the sea gets churned up again"
Diver 1 - "Ah ok that must be it thanks"

 

[dogglebe]

One time, I told the DM who certified me, "The drunken abusive grandfather I never had."

He nodded, saying, "I believe that."


Phil

 

[Aerosynth]

Heard a great one this weekend. Was on a small boat doing lake dives. No head onboard.

During our surface interval, skipper and divemaster kept talking about, "Needing to do a hull check."

Instead of peeing in wetsuits, people on the boat are asked to enter the water in their bathing suits perform a vital skill known as a "hull check."

 

[Hammerhead]

Older couple in the rental gear room. He's frantically going through the box of fins helpfully marked "LARGE", picking up one after another and discarding them.

her - Honey, the boat's ready to go!

him - I know, I KNOW!!!!

her - What's the problem, baby?

him - It's these dam' fins!

her - what is it, snookums?

him - They're all [expletive deleted] for the left foot. Look, all of them say "L" on the boot; not one says "R" for right!

her (now deeply distressed) - Ok, my darling woolly lambkin!

me - Umm, I think the "L" stands for "Large", you know, as in "Large size".

him - Are you an Instructor or something?

me -

Disclaimer, the woman in question genuinely did talk like that.

 

[t1mm]

Me "Been up to much diving lately?"
My Instructor "Not a bit... Not even muffdiving.."

 

[nielsent]

My non-diving father saw a picture of me in my drysuit, and the following conversation followed:

Dad: What's that you're wearing?
Me: That's my Drysuit.
Dad: How does it keep you dry?
Me: it seals at the neck ans wrists and the zipper is airtight, you then add compressed air to the suit as you go down so it don't squeeze you.
Dad: Doesn't that make you float?
Me: You weight yourself with lead to compensate for the floating.
Dad: Well what happens when you fart?
Me: Well, my drysuit has a shoulder zipper, so I usually hope it smells awful when my buddy unzips it.