I need a reality check

[Eric Sedletzky]

My spouse and I have done hundreds of dives together. I am a drop out (moved away from the dive shop, never started up in my new area) from a dive master program and pretty much a by the book diver when it comes to safety. My spouse has aow and thinks rules are made to be broken. There have been times when I have been a little miffed at spouse on a dive but I have never felt that spouse compromised my safety until a few days ago.

We had just descended to about 50 feet. I gave spouse an ok sign and spouse returned it. Then, I feel spouses hands on my trim pocket with no explanation. I assume that there is an issue with the pocket and spouse is fixing it. I hover a few feet off the bottom and let spouse finish whatever he is doing.

Afterwards I feel off balance and notice I am drifting upwards. I look at spouse's hands and see one of my trim weights in it. I point at the weight and make a hand signal for spouse to give it back me. I dive with just enough weight and not an ounce more. I can think of no reason for spouse to remove weight from my rig. I have no idea what is going on. Spouse refuses to give the weight back. I signal again and again. I put my hand on the weight and try to take it. Spouse holds on tight. Spouse is making no attempt to communicate with me in any way. Spouse is just holding tight to the weight. I am getting angry.

i give the signal to abort the dive. Spouse ignores me. I give it again. After three tries we ascend. I try as hard as I can to slow my ascent but with the weight gone from my rig I go up faster than I'm comfortable with.

At the surface, I scream my lungs out at spouse. "What the h$&@ was that about??? Don't you EVER take any weight off my rig. I don't want to ever dive with you again. You compromised my safety. There is no excuse for that."

On the boat spouse tells me about the 7 pounds of lead that fell out of the pocket that spouse stuffed it into. Don't get me started on that. Stuffing weight into an open pocket (instead of a proper weight pocket or a weight belt) is a really stupid move. Spouse was just asking to lose that weight and that is what happened.

Ok, so spouse was short on lead. That doesn't explain why spouse believes that anything on my rig is available for use by anyone other than me without permission. Nothing on my rig is available to spouse unless I agree to it in advance or spouse politely asks to borrow it under water AND I GIVE CONSENT. Spouse should have signalled to abort the dive and we should have just ascended together.

i am still pretty steamed. Ok, so spouse wasn't deliberately trying to harm me. (For a minute there that was the only explanation I could think of.) I am inclined to tell spouse that unless spouse takes a rescue diver class, spouse can forget about diving with me again. Is that unreasonable? What would you do?

That's nothing, you should see how my wife gets into my checkbook!
Talk about taking stuff you need!

 

[MG11]

I thought many experienced divers carried a little extra weight in the event a situation like this occurred, maybe I am remembering "instructors" saying that.

Still not cool to do it w/o permission.

Mike

 

[Jim Lapenta]

I am an instructor and just spent this past week taking advanced instructor training. During that training I managed to get ten pounds off my required weights in a dry suit with heavy undergarments. I used to carry extra on open water checkouts a few years ago. Stopped that practice. If you teach students to do proper predive checks that include their weighting an instructor does not need to carry any extra. Each diver is responsible for their own weights and making sure they are secure.

Sent from my DROID X2 using Tapatalk 2

 

[chillyinCanada]

Weights! Why all the focus on the weights? Yes, that was an issue but what really got me was him ignoring her three calls to abort the dive.

I liked OPs suggestion. Refuse to dive with him until he takes rescue and has a more mature understanding of scuba and responsibility to buddy etc.

And yes potentially need marriage counseling too but this is Scubaboard.

 

[hroark2112]

Buy him 20 lbs. of pink weight.

 

[Greenjuice]

raviepoo,
You asked for a reality check and what others would do. I'll offer a perspective from someone brought up the the Far East and living in a multicultural city in another country. In my opinion, what you experienced was disrespectful and bordered on being dangerous in whatever culture.

From the diving perspective, I don't think him getting a Rescue qualification will necessarily cut it. He needs a re-evaluation of his values.

As others have said, the actual risk in this particular event should not be overstated, and you were pretty steamed when you posted, but there are indicators of underlying issues that need to be addressed. In other words, I would suggest that to 'do nothing' is not an option. What you decide to do, needs to be thought through in a calm and measured way.

I will leave you with one thought a wise woman once taught me, 'In all things in life, you get what you tolerate'. I hope you find this better place.

 

[CamC]

Weights! Why all the focus on the weights? Yes, that was an issue but what really got me was him ignoring her three calls to abort the dive.

Totally agree - this sucks. And no attempt at communication before taking the weight in the first place. If that was an instabuddy you'd never, ever dive with them again, so why make an exception for a spouse?

 

[SeaHorse81]

The big thing for OP to be thinking about is that this is not a diving problem per se. What happened on this dive is likely a symptom of something much further reaching that is going to have to be addressed one way or another. Getting the guy to stop making idiot moves underwater (if even possible) will address an important symptom and that's something, but will not change the actual problem.

For anyone reading the thread who would like to understand more about relationships where this kind of thing happens, here is one decent book on the subject:

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You: Patricia Evans: 9781580625692: Amazon.com: Books

The author's writing style can be a bit hard to follow for some, which is why it is essential to start from the beginning and read through. If you try to skip around and just look at "the good parts," you will not only feel a bit lost, but will lose the benefit of some highly useful information. You might feel tempted to give up in the first 100 pages -- don't. It lights up pretty strongly after that and is well worth the effort; you need that first 100 pages for the rest of it to start to click.

 

[Darnold9999]

Where did she overeact? A diver stole some of her ballast. A potentially dangerous situation. He should have grabbed the friggin rock. She would have been justified in slapping him on the boat. Spouse or not the bum should have kept his damn hands to himself.

"At the surface, I scream my lungs out at spouse. "What the h$&@ was that about??? Don't you EVER take any weight off my rig. I don't want to ever dive with you again. You compromised my safety. There is no excuse for that.""

That is an overreaction - not saying that what was done here was OK - it wasn't for a whole bunch of reasons, but if you need to scream your lungs out at your spouse to get their attention there are far more serious problems than their diving behaviour. IMHO

 

[scubafanatic]

Buy him 20 lbs. of pink weight.

...or buy yourself an impressive dive KNIFE !