Jokes

[srkdvr]

The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband,

"Y'know, you're really a lousy lover!"

The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives,
their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, I sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

ut:

 

[srkdvr]

MIDDLE AGED WOMEN

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

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God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[Welshman]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball in the woods. When she was looking for the ball she noticed a frog in a trap.

The frog saw her and shouted out "If you let me out I'll grant you three wishes", so the woman released the frog.

"Thanks" said the frog, "but there's one thing I forgot to tell you - whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more and better". "That's OK", said the woman.

For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her "You realise that your husband will look like Adonis, a man all women will flock to". "That's OK", said the woman, "since I'll be the most beautiful woman he'll only have eyes for me".

So immediately she was transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish she wanted to be the wealthiest woman in the world. "You realise", said the frog, "that your husband will be 10 times wealthier than you?". "Yes", she said, "but all mine his his and all his is mine".

Again she immediately became the wealthiest woman in the world.

"What is your final wish?", asked the frog.

The woman thought for a moment, and then answered:

"I think I'd like a mild heart attack....

 

[ONESPEED]