Post your funny/clean jokes here...

[SteveDiver]

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

It's getting late, big boy, she says after a few minutes. Why don't we go upstairs to bed.

We might as well, slurs the husband. I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.

 

[mike_s]

Why do Chicken coupe's have two doors on them?

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Cause if they had 4 doors they'd be a Chicken sedan...



(D'oh!))

 

[neophyte]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
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They taste funny.


Sorry.

 

[Wristshot]

A guy walks into a bar with Jumper Cables around his neck.

The bartender leans over, points a finger at the guy, gives him a stern look and says "now don't you go startin' anything!"


W

 

[SteveDiver]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

 

[boomo26]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the *** and holler, "WHO'S HORNY?" . . . . . . . . and she acts like she is asleep every time."

 

[mike_s]

Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.

At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

 

[Giggi]

A guy walks into a bar and says, "ouch!"

(ok, you've heard that one?)

Two guys are walking down the street. The first guy walks into a bar, but his buddy ducks.

(ok, you've heard that one too?...hmmmm. I'll bring some more)

 

[Fish_Whisperer]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's helm hanging out of his zipper. The bartender says, "Hey, pal! Did you know you've got a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr... It's drivin' me nuts!"

ba-dum-PSH!

Then there was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who would lie awake at night and wonder if there was a Dog.

His brother, who happened to be a dyslexic devil-worshipper, was shocked and horrified to discover that he'd sold his soul to Santa.

I have more. Oh, so many more...

 

[Sasquatch]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."