Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[crowleyW]

Pearly Gates

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

 

[Rhone Man]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

….. and now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[santafejoe]

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda




And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that.... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!


Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons .

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

 

[jupitermermaid]

"When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda"

Wow! Your parents had it easy! I had to walk uphill, barefoot, both ways in snow for thirty-five minutes miles every day! Windows didn't have any screens, and it was the only way to cool off, as we didn't have an air conditioner. In order to get warm in the winter we had to run to the furnance when it turned on and stand in front of it for the two minutes it blew warm air, then would stop and we'd start freezing again.

Oh, wait a minute......you wouldn't understand.....you're one of the spoiled young kids that don't appreciate what you had when you were growing up....LOL

 

[ScubaTigress]

There’s a boat full of divers and one PADI instructor, one NAUI instructor and one SSI instructor.

The boat starts to sink.

The NAUI instructor says, “Everybody get your BCD on, inflate it and we’ll wait for a rescue.”

The SSI instructor says, “Everybody gear up, we’ll go for a dive, then surface and wait for a rescue.”

The PADI instructor says, “Everybody sign this paperwork and pay me $200; we’re doing a wreck diver specialty course.”

 

[mlkco]

Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a pee and with no public toilets in sight; the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves.

After they'd finished, the first woman took off her panties to wipe herself and then threw them away.

The other woman, realising she was wearing some very expensive panties, didn't want to throw hers away and so looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone.

One commented, "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good. My wife came home last night without any panties on!"

The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her arse that read 'from all the members of the 2nd Battalion the Parachute Regiment, we will never forget you'".

 

[SkipperJohn]

by request...

How Many Forum Posters Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Answer: 185, broken down as follows:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in the posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers for being too anal

3 to correct spelling/grammar flamers spelling/grammar errors

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

6 to condemn those who argue whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
as stupid

2 industry professionals who inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 who claim they were in the industry too, and that both "light bulb" and lightbulb are perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum, saying that since we all use light bulbs therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 who quote all posts to date in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and then simply add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post here because "this forum is supposed to be about (insert any subject here) not about lightbulbs, damnit!"

4 to say "didn't we go through this whole discussion just a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs to this forum"

1 forum newbie who stumbles upon the original post 6 months later and responds to it, starting the whole thing over again.

 

[Roger J Munns]

YouTube - Fish dirty dancing underwater - it's the Marine Mambo!!

 

[msbrew]

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
[FONT=&quot]I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

He offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.


[/FONT]

 

[santafejoe]

VERY
INTERESTING STUFF


In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'



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Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.



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The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.



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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.



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Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better..



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Coca-Cola was
originally green.



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It is impossible to lick
your elbow.



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The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)



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The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400


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The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..



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The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.



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The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments...



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Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:




Spades - King David


Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds - Julius
Caesar


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111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

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If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes



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Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.




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Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?



A.. Their birthplace


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Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?



A.
Obsession

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Q... If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?



A. One
thousand

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Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?



A. All were invented
by women.



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------

Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?


A.
Honey


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Q.. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?



A. Father's
Day


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In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'



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It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.






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Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.



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At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!




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-



Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.



I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?



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------

YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...



1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.




4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen




8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee




11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.



14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list


~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.


Go lick your elbow.