Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
- Start date
Please register or login
Welcome to ScubaBoard, the world's largest scuba diving community. Registration is not required to read the forums, but we encourage you to join. Joining has its benefits and enables you to participate in the discussions.
Benefits of registering include
- Ability to post and comment on topics and discussions.
- A Free photo gallery to share your dive photos with the world.
- You can make this box go away
santafejoe
Contributor
You Know When Your OLD
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. ( T urn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have T ylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. ... . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... .. . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. ( T urn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have T ylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. ... . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... .. . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time
is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial
flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it
is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft,
it's Wednesday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
________________________________
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
_____________________________
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at
his desk when an airman knocked on the door.... Conscious of his new
position,the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter,
then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and
I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone."
________________________________
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
________________________________
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
________________________________
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've
been in a *****house!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."
________________________________
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die
so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never
going to stand in line again!"
........
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time
is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial
flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it
is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft,
it's Wednesday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
________________________________
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
_____________________________
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at
his desk when an airman knocked on the door.... Conscious of his new
position,the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter,
then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and
I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone."
________________________________
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
________________________________
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
________________________________
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've
been in a *****house!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."
________________________________
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die
so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never
going to stand in line again!"
........
What did one sagging boob say to the other sagging boob?
If we droop any lower, people are going to think we're nuts!
If we droop any lower, people are going to think we're nuts!
From Readers' Digest some time ago:
An Air Force VIP plane ferrying General Officers from Europe to the US stopped in Greenland for servicing. One guy began fuelling and another airman hooked up the waste disposal unit.
The waste disposal airman was slovenly, in filthy clothes, had on a civlian 'wooley' under his regualtion shirt, and in general not a good example of an airman. The other generals were giving the Air Force general some ribbing as they walked through the freezing air and wind.
The Air Force general returned to the plane, addressing the disposal airman. "You, there! Come here, airman!" The airman thrust his gloved hands in his coat pockets, walks over with his head bent against the freezing, howling wind, "Yeah?"
The general is furious! "You do not address me like that! Do you know what I could do to you?"
The airman smirks, looks him in the eye and says, "General, I'm a no-stripe private; I'm pumping s*** in -20 degrees with a -50 degree windchill in the middle of no-f*****-where, Greenland. Just what do you think you can do to me?"
An Air Force VIP plane ferrying General Officers from Europe to the US stopped in Greenland for servicing. One guy began fuelling and another airman hooked up the waste disposal unit.
The waste disposal airman was slovenly, in filthy clothes, had on a civlian 'wooley' under his regualtion shirt, and in general not a good example of an airman. The other generals were giving the Air Force general some ribbing as they walked through the freezing air and wind.
The Air Force general returned to the plane, addressing the disposal airman. "You, there! Come here, airman!" The airman thrust his gloved hands in his coat pockets, walks over with his head bent against the freezing, howling wind, "Yeah?"
The general is furious! "You do not address me like that! Do you know what I could do to you?"
The airman smirks, looks him in the eye and says, "General, I'm a no-stripe private; I'm pumping s*** in -20 degrees with a -50 degree windchill in the middle of no-f*****-where, Greenland. Just what do you think you can do to me?"
Atomic_Diver
Scubaboard Enthusiast
This onetime at bandcamp...
A Scot on holiday in Cuba is sitting in a bar drinking a Cuban ale.
A soldier with a long flowing beard orders a drink. When he finishes the drink, he goes to leave.
The bartender says,"Hey, arn't you going to pay for that drink."
Soldier says,"Charge it to Castro's army.", and goes out the door.
Another soldier comes in:
"Give me a drink, Castro's army."
After two or three more of these the Scot decides to try this himself. He goes to the bar:
"Give me a drink, Castro's army."
The bartender says,"I don't see any long flowing beard."
The Scot pulls up his kilt and says,
"SECRET SERVICE."
A soldier with a long flowing beard orders a drink. When he finishes the drink, he goes to leave.
The bartender says,"Hey, arn't you going to pay for that drink."
Soldier says,"Charge it to Castro's army.", and goes out the door.
Another soldier comes in:
"Give me a drink, Castro's army."
After two or three more of these the Scot decides to try this himself. He goes to the bar:
"Give me a drink, Castro's army."
The bartender says,"I don't see any long flowing beard."
The Scot pulls up his kilt and says,
"SECRET SERVICE."
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
A lady went to the doctor for a check up. When she got home she was telling her husband about how the doctor told her that her lungs were fine that heart was in great shape.He also gave me a complent He said I have the breasts of a twenty year old!
The husband asked if the doctor said any thing about her forty six year old @$$?
No she replied he did not say any thing about you at all
The husband asked if the doctor said any thing about her forty six year old @$$?
No she replied he did not say any thing about you at all
Similar threads
