ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
this NEVER gets old
I could not agree more....I was almost crying I was laughing so hard.
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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I could not agree more....I was almost crying I was laughing so hard.
santafejoe
Contributor
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
Deefstes
Contributor
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Exactly! And also proving that jokes can indeed be funny (and remain so for years) without referencing penises being poked through holes and kicked under the fridge or whatever. But I guess different people prefer occupying their thoughts with different topics.I could not agree more....I was almost crying I was laughing so hard.this NEVER gets old
Perfect girls getaway
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials..
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot
down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that
she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night............. Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to
find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and
lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two
dozen candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I
did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."
"So here I am."
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials..
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot
down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that
she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night............. Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to
find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and
lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two
dozen candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I
did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."
"So here I am."
Three mischievous old Grandmas were
sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out
saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped
his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they
all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years
old!'
Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from
ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out
saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped
his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they
all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years
old!'
Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from
ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
I don't know if you left the last line out on purpose or not, but I suspect the answer is, "Because I forgot where I left him."
mlkco
Contributor
We are in trouble...
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired..
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work..
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the
work.
You and me.
And there
you are,
Sitting on your butt ,
At your computer, reading jokes..
Nice. Real nice.
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired..
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work..
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the
work.
You and me.
And there
you are,
Sitting on your butt ,
At your computer, reading jokes..
Nice. Real nice.
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said,
' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!
cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said,
' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug. They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!
The little bastards
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug. They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!
The little bastards
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