Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision. " "That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".
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santafejoe
Contributor
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.
WOODMAN
Contributor
A man was in the hospital preparing for bowel surgery, and he was given massive doses of laxatives to clean him out. After he had given out everything he thought there was to give, he was lying exhausted on his bed when one last major spasm came and he unloaded right in the bed before he could move. He was severely embarrassed, and rather than call the nurses for help, he rolled up the sheets and simply pitched them out of his 2nd floor window.
A drunk was shuffling by on the street down below, and the pile of sheets hit him right on the head. He started flailing about and fighting with the sheets, and finally got hold of them and threw the entire mess on the ground in front of him. As he stood looking at the pile of filthy sheets, a cop who had been standing off at a distance (and who had seen the whole thing) walked up to him and said "what's going on here?" The drunk slowly replied "I'm not sure Officer, but I think I just beat the C--- out of a ghost!"
A drunk was shuffling by on the street down below, and the pile of sheets hit him right on the head. He started flailing about and fighting with the sheets, and finally got hold of them and threw the entire mess on the ground in front of him. As he stood looking at the pile of filthy sheets, a cop who had been standing off at a distance (and who had seen the whole thing) walked up to him and said "what's going on here?" The drunk slowly replied "I'm not sure Officer, but I think I just beat the C--- out of a ghost!"
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He didn't have much luck until one day when he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seemed even better than a new one, although it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately bought it, and asked the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' said the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he handed Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they took the bike. But just before they entered the house,
Sandra stopped him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he said, and in they went.
Joe was shocked: Right smack in the middle of the living room sat a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looked, dirty dishes.
They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation, so he leaned over and kissed Sandra.
No one said a word.
So he reached over and fondled her breasts.
Still, nobody said a word.
So he stood up, grabbed her, ripped her clothes off, threw her on the table, and made love to her right there, in front of her parents.
Sandra was a little flustered, her dad obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.
He looked at her mom… 'She's got a great body,' he thought. So he grabbed Sandra’s mom, bent her over the dinner table, and had his way with her right there.
Sandra was furious and her dad boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the dishes!!!
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' said the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he handed Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they took the bike. But just before they entered the house,
Sandra stopped him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he said, and in they went.
Joe was shocked: Right smack in the middle of the living room sat a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looked, dirty dishes.
They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation, so he leaned over and kissed Sandra.
No one said a word.
So he reached over and fondled her breasts.
Still, nobody said a word.
So he stood up, grabbed her, ripped her clothes off, threw her on the table, and made love to her right there, in front of her parents.
Sandra was a little flustered, her dad obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.
He looked at her mom… 'She's got a great body,' he thought. So he grabbed Sandra’s mom, bent her over the dinner table, and had his way with her right there.
Sandra was furious and her dad boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the dishes!!!
ScubaTigress
Contributor
dude ^^^ TOO FUNNY!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
When Love Fades:
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"**** YOU. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"**** YOU. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Sauerkraut
Guest
This might have already been posted, but here goes.
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, “I l ove my job, I love my job, I love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, “I l ove my job, I love my job, I love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
santafejoe
Contributor
BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday
Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth...
They grow up so fast, don't they?
This week we celebrate a special birthday
Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth...
They grow up so fast, don't they?
mike_s
Contributor
that's pretty funny... but she's no where near that old. she was in her early twenties when she was playing with Bill's cigar... and that was only a little over 10 years ago.
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