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TSA Report for 2011



The Year 2011 is over. Homeland Security has provided their
end-of-the-year statistics on airport screenings here in the U.S. It
is truly amazing what those full-body scanners have shown.

* Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0
* Transvestites: 743
* Enlarged Prostates: 19,249
* Breast Implants: 209,350
* Colon problems: 27,298
* Natural Blondes: 3













 
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer...


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:



(Actual reply from FHA):




"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."


Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:




(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana. God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"



The loan was immediately approved.





And you want Government running health care?




 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
> >
> > The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
> Now
> > you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
> freeway.
> > You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, however, your
> penis was
> > severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
> >
> > The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance
> > compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new
> penis.
> > They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an
> inch."
> >
> > The man perks up.
> >
> > "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But
> I
> > understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
> > something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
> before
> > and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a
> nine
> > incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she
> might
> > be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you
> make a
> > decision."
> >
> > The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
> >
> > The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your
> wife?"
> >
> > "Yes I have," says the man.
> >
> > "And has she helped you make a decision?"
> >
> > "Yes" says the man.
> >
> > "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
> >
> > "We're getting granite countertops."
 
15 men were graduating from seminary school. Part of there graduation was to resist temptation. The headmaster explained it to them that they were to line up and one at a time would have to walk up and hug the most beautiful woman they had ever seen. There was a catch, the woman would be naked. To know if they resisted temptation a bell woul d be tied to their penis. If the bell rings, they would fail the final exam. So the men were all lined up and as the woman came in. The first candidate came up and hugged her with no bell ringing. This went on a few times until the last man. As he hugged her his bell rang so energetically it came off. As h bent down to pick up his bell his robe rode up in back a bit.

When it did the other 14 other bells started ringing ...
 
Senior Citizen Texting Codes:
ATD: At The Doctors
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
 
Senior Citizen Texting Codes:
ATD: At The Doctors
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder

Too funny!!!!
 
Mary Clancy approaches Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. But it seems to me it was common knowledge that he beat you often and quite severely."

She says, "Aye, tis true. That he did, Father."

"So tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Aye, that he did, Father. And that's the reason I'm crying. I dinna listen to 'im."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"
 
485368_405063019523157_205344452828349_1469099_478178142_n.jpg
 
Senior Citizen Texting Codes:
ATD: At The Doctors
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder

And for me you can add:
IFN: I Forget Now
WDIPT: Where Did I Put That
WWIG: Where Was I Going
WYNA: Whats Your Name Again




---------- Post added at 03:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:02 PM ----------


I don't get it... Must be a gender thing
 
Pen is broken. Not Penis broken.




And for me you can add:
IFN: I Forget Now
WDIPT: Where Did I Put That
WWIG: Where Was I Going
WYNA: Whats Your Name Again




---------- Post added at 03:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:02 PM ----------



I don't get it... Must be a gender thing
 

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