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Elk Grove Village Illinois, Untied Airlines (5 May, 2008)
Reacting to passenger complaints about across the board hikes in ticket prices and fees, one airline has repositioned themselves in the market for a pending merger with USAir.
Untied Airlines announces new passenger accommodation fees and surcharges designed to place additional costs of flying upon those who exercise the options~ not forcing all flyers to pay premium rates for services they might not need.
UAL's Director of Disambiguity, Charles Underwood III, today announced sweeping new announcements designed to announce the changes to flying public. "Our customers", Underwood went on to say, "are not the same old peanuts and mini bottle for a buck crowd. They want ala-carte service. Most of these kids nowadays are schlepping i-Pods and Blueteeth so what do they need with our lousy in flight movies? At this point, Seinfeld? Everybody's seen them, and nobody loves Raymnond, so what are you going to do?
Starting on Monday, June 2nd Untied will institute the following changes:
- Passengers will be discretely weighed at the ticketing counter. They will also be asked their weight during verbal [-]interrogation[/-] greeting. Those more than 7% above the USDA Recommended Limit will be surcharged. They will not be given a larger seat, but due to increased fuel costs, this has become necessary. If their verbal declaration of weight varies by more than 1% in excess of actual, they will be added to the TSA Watch List as suspicious characters. If they are under in their estimation, they will also be added to the same list. $3 per pound will be assessed- either way.
- Passengers requesting to be placed in seats that have emergency oxygen capability will be surcharged $8 per leg.
-Especially annoying passengers will be placed in the exit rows. When it hits the fan- these guys will get trampled. (Remember, when you open that emergency exit door, drag it inside the aircraft!)
- Passengers will will be asked to place their buttocks into an exemplar sizing gauge. If they exceed the width of a standard Barbie sized airline seat (19.87609"), a surcharge of $4 per 1/8" will be assessed. No wider seats will be made available, but cabin crew will be advised to place these people on the aisle seats if at all possible. (Watch your arms!)
- Seat Belt Extenders will be priced at $12 per linear inch.
- Heads (toilet convenience) will be accessed by swiping any major debit card (there will by a 5% surcharge convenience convenience fee for using a credit card). The convenience fee will be $2 for number one, and $4 for number two. Tissue squares will be alloted one per paid use, extra squares are available at 50 cents each. (If you need extra TP, simply access the card reader on the outside of the bathroom door). The use of the head by two passengers for whatever reason will be broadcast on the specialty cable channels available in First Cabin. There is no refund for a gas only false alarm.
- Safety Cards will now be printed upon the seat tray surfaces. This way, they are not as likely to show previously spilled food. Meals will feature a selection of Hamburger, small fries a toy and three TicTacs. They will be $9.00, cash only, no change. Napkins are 25 cents each, 5 for a dollar.
- In flight beverage service will be provided in the juice box format. $9.00 for soft drinks and $18.75 for alcohol, again exact change is required in US Dollars. No, make that Euros.
- Baggage will be limited to one hard sided Samsonite suitcase, the medium sized one from the set that your Aunt Millie gave you when you went off to college. Not that this gift did you a lot of good because all the travelling you did in College was that drunken month you spend in Cabo San Cabo. Well, at least you have the Girls Gone Wild DVD. Dad has it, anyway.
- Additional baggage will be billed out at the capricious whim of the agent at the desk. SCUBA gear is a definite Flago Rojo (as we like to call it). Snorkles, flippers and masks will be billed out as excess cargo under Subpart B of the Yalta Treaty Conference on passenger disambification. The Warsaw Pact BOHICA rule applies.
- In flight movies will be selected from cinematographic offerings including Cable TV Pilots and Babe Winkleman's Great Outdoors. Any movie grossing more than 1/2 it's original production cost is limited to First Cabin only.
- Dive knives and open tanks will be permitted in checked luggage. This should eliminate half the bandwidth used by :sblogo: (What part of open did you not understand?)
We know you had a lot of choices in making your airline selection to this destination today, but that variety is dwindling as we speak.
Does anyone else remember 1982's airline deregulation by the Feds?
Now's the time: Pay Up.
Reacting to passenger complaints about across the board hikes in ticket prices and fees, one airline has repositioned themselves in the market for a pending merger with USAir.
Untied Airlines announces new passenger accommodation fees and surcharges designed to place additional costs of flying upon those who exercise the options~ not forcing all flyers to pay premium rates for services they might not need.
UAL's Director of Disambiguity, Charles Underwood III, today announced sweeping new announcements designed to announce the changes to flying public. "Our customers", Underwood went on to say, "are not the same old peanuts and mini bottle for a buck crowd. They want ala-carte service. Most of these kids nowadays are schlepping i-Pods and Blueteeth so what do they need with our lousy in flight movies? At this point, Seinfeld? Everybody's seen them, and nobody loves Raymnond, so what are you going to do?
Starting on Monday, June 2nd Untied will institute the following changes:
- Passengers will be discretely weighed at the ticketing counter. They will also be asked their weight during verbal [-]interrogation[/-] greeting. Those more than 7% above the USDA Recommended Limit will be surcharged. They will not be given a larger seat, but due to increased fuel costs, this has become necessary. If their verbal declaration of weight varies by more than 1% in excess of actual, they will be added to the TSA Watch List as suspicious characters. If they are under in their estimation, they will also be added to the same list. $3 per pound will be assessed- either way.
- Passengers requesting to be placed in seats that have emergency oxygen capability will be surcharged $8 per leg.
-Especially annoying passengers will be placed in the exit rows. When it hits the fan- these guys will get trampled. (Remember, when you open that emergency exit door, drag it inside the aircraft!)
- Passengers will will be asked to place their buttocks into an exemplar sizing gauge. If they exceed the width of a standard Barbie sized airline seat (19.87609"), a surcharge of $4 per 1/8" will be assessed. No wider seats will be made available, but cabin crew will be advised to place these people on the aisle seats if at all possible. (Watch your arms!)
- Seat Belt Extenders will be priced at $12 per linear inch.
- Heads (toilet convenience) will be accessed by swiping any major debit card (there will by a 5% surcharge convenience convenience fee for using a credit card). The convenience fee will be $2 for number one, and $4 for number two. Tissue squares will be alloted one per paid use, extra squares are available at 50 cents each. (If you need extra TP, simply access the card reader on the outside of the bathroom door). The use of the head by two passengers for whatever reason will be broadcast on the specialty cable channels available in First Cabin. There is no refund for a gas only false alarm.
- Safety Cards will now be printed upon the seat tray surfaces. This way, they are not as likely to show previously spilled food. Meals will feature a selection of Hamburger, small fries a toy and three TicTacs. They will be $9.00, cash only, no change. Napkins are 25 cents each, 5 for a dollar.
- In flight beverage service will be provided in the juice box format. $9.00 for soft drinks and $18.75 for alcohol, again exact change is required in US Dollars. No, make that Euros.
- Baggage will be limited to one hard sided Samsonite suitcase, the medium sized one from the set that your Aunt Millie gave you when you went off to college. Not that this gift did you a lot of good because all the travelling you did in College was that drunken month you spend in Cabo San Cabo. Well, at least you have the Girls Gone Wild DVD. Dad has it, anyway.
- Additional baggage will be billed out at the capricious whim of the agent at the desk. SCUBA gear is a definite Flago Rojo (as we like to call it). Snorkles, flippers and masks will be billed out as excess cargo under Subpart B of the Yalta Treaty Conference on passenger disambification. The Warsaw Pact BOHICA rule applies.
- In flight movies will be selected from cinematographic offerings including Cable TV Pilots and Babe Winkleman's Great Outdoors. Any movie grossing more than 1/2 it's original production cost is limited to First Cabin only.
- Dive knives and open tanks will be permitted in checked luggage. This should eliminate half the bandwidth used by :sblogo: (What part of open did you not understand?)
We know you had a lot of choices in making your airline selection to this destination today, but that variety is dwindling as we speak.
Does anyone else remember 1982's airline deregulation by the Feds?
Now's the time: Pay Up.
