Is forgiveness Possible?

[bubblejunkie]

I mean can two people that share a lot in common have had great times and even better chemistry, get over a very ugly period, and forgive and be friends or more again? My exfriend is going through alot of problems and I feel like I should be there for her.

So should I? or should I just let her be and hope she pulls through? This is coming from somebody that cares alot and really wants things to be better between us again. Thanks alot. Looking for a little insight into a womens mind, if I dare. We used to dive alot, thats why I'm asking here. Thanks

 

[H2Andy]

So should I? or should I just let her be and hope she pulls through?

the only person who can answer this is her. talk to her.

 

[ItsBruce]

A friend who is a member of the opposite sex is a friend who is a member of the opposite sex. A spouse is someone to whom you are married. As I see it, a girlfriend or boyfriend is somewhere in between. He or she is someone who is under consideration as a potential spouse. At that point, you are looking at whether you really want that person for a spouse. In particular you should be looking at whether there is anything that disqualifies him or her. If something comes up that makes you conclude he or she is not what you want or he or she concludes you are not what he or she wants, its over. When its over, let it go. Move on, find someone who you think is spouse material and who thinks you are, too. Let your ex do the same.

Thus, the question: Was she really a girlfriend? If so is she really an ex-girlfriend, or just a girlfriend with whom you are angry or who is angry at you? Being angry does not disqualify someone as a potential spouse...unless the anger is over something that is a "deal breaker."

Just my 2 cents.

 

[bubblejunkie]

I wanted to see what other peoples experience's were. I think We've both moved on, I dont think because people cant be spouses that means they cant be friends, maybe I'm wrong. I'm friends with most of my ex's.

 

[The Kraken]

In a word, yes . . .
I've experienced it. It does, however, require two people who are mature enough to deal with the situation.

What casts a pall over the situation many times is the old spectre of unrequited love rears it's ugly head and things become complicated.

One has to be determined to stay the course.

I hope it all works out for all concerned.

the Kraken

 

[Cacia]

well, what's in it for you? If you miss the diving it might be worth it. Generally, if the neg column is bigger than the plus column, (pleasure / effort ratio) just move on. If you have a thing for her, and she does not, just move along.....decent dive partners are hard to find. that might make me break my own rule.

 

[Darnold9999]

To borrow from others ... yes

However it is really hard work and requires that both parties want this, and that both parties can forgive whatever it was that made it not work. It is also critical that both parties are on the same page. i.e. if one wants to get back together and the other does not, this is not going to work.

Have done it three times successfully and have an ex that I haven't spoken to in almost 25 years and we live in the same city and move in the same small world re work. I do know exactly what she is doing and I suspect the reverse is true, but I doubt we will ever speak again.

Two successes are two of my best friends, the third is my current partner after a good 10 years apart as close friends. We both ended up single at the same time, decided we needed a vacation and have been together ever since, 14 years coming up next month.

A suggestion, examine your motives - if it is to try to get together again don't even try now, wait until that motivation disappears. If, when it disappears, you still want to try - go for it.

My thoughts on this are that I spent a great deal of time and energy getting to know this other person. Discovering that we can't or don't want to live together is not a good enough reason to decide that we never want to see each other again.

 

[CAPT HOOK]

Making a BIG jump and guessing the problem isn't between you & her, depends on the problem. If it's between her and husband, boyfriend, significant other - listen but keep your mouth shut! Her decision.
If it's other types of personal problems - listen and try to help - guide her to an answer, don't try to provide it.
It's hard when you care about someone else, but if you're are a real friend you will supply an ear, a shoulder to cry on and lots of love. Unforetunately we can't solve someone elses problem, we can only love and very softly supply guidance. If we push too hard we may only solve their problem for us, not them!

OK, off the soapbox!

 

[Platypus]

First of all - no where does Bubblejunkie indicate whether his ex-friend was romantically involved with him. We also don't know what caused the falling out. We can all assume different things, but from what I gather from his post is that something went down and got ugly and now his friend wants nothing to do with him, but he wants forgiveness and for things to get better one day and/or things to go about as if nothing happened. Well - forgiveness (IMO) is more than likely dependent on what was done to ruin the friendship to begin with. And even if he does get forgiveness, it does not necessarily mean that they will be friends again, and he has to live with that.

I have several ex's that I will NEVER forgive as long as I live and are dead to me now. And when they tried contacting me at all hours, tried to get back with me and made promises that more often than not get broken because they always seemed to fall into the same routine, it just pushed me away further, and put that final nail in the coffin that closed the chapter on our relationship / friendship etc... But I have been on your end as well, Bubblejunkie, and found that if I kept contacting them, I got pushed away even further, and lost any hope of ever being friends with that person ever again, and I think that hurts even more than the initial fight/argument. Ego and Pride has no place in wanting forgiveness for reasons other than just that. Do you have alterior motives behind wanting forgiveness for the sake of genuinely being there for her in a time of crisis, are you being selfish because you miss the times you had and want that back more than forgiveness? Not being harsh but these are questions you have to ask yourself. We don't know much about your friend, but you have to also consider that maybe she needs to be alone and face these issues she might have on her own. Maybe this is vital for her own growth, and strength of character...

My suggestion is to let her be. If forgiveness is possible, the only way you will get it is when she is good and ready. And if you never become friends again, chalk it up to a lesson learned, and grow from it. Learn what you should / shouldn't do when you are faced with a new friendship. What worked in the past? What didn't? If you learned something from this experience, then you have not failed.

One saying that always helped me is: "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime". Maybe you can figure out which one she is/was and find peace with this situation.

Take Care!

 

[WVDiver]

This is coming from somebody that cares alot and really wants things to be better between us again.

LOOK there you've answered your own question. If this is really the case she knows it and should not fault you for your efforts.