Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Rhone Man]

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his
finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton
to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she
looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could
have a urine test done?"

 

[Rhone Man]

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school
teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense
from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told
by one boy, "My name is Bob Fukhauer."
Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT
KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR! Now Bob, tell me your
real name!"
The kid said, "No, really, Ma'am , it is Bob Fukhauer. You
can go across the hall to fourth-grade and ask my brother if
you don't believe me."
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher
went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom
door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly
asked the class, "Do you have Fukhauer in here?"
"Hell no," replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't
even get a damn cookie break!"

 

[Rhone Man]

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

 

[Rhone Man]

Why men should never answer problem letters:


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is
34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


***************************

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter

 

[Rhone Man]

A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

[Rhone Man]

 

[Rhone Man]

WANTED:

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music tal-
king without getting to seeious.

But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

 

[dive bandit]

Rules of Marriage





1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10



-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10




3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8



5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10



6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8



7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is .........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?


Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10

 

[Rhone Man]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS



1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



20. A backward poet writes inverse.



21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste o religion.



23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

[mlkco]

Sick leave.
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'


The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work... You try that.'


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'