Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Last night my friend was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked him if he liked breasts or legs. He told her what he really liked was a shaved snatch.
>
>
> Apparently he's not welcome back at KFC.

 

[MXGratefulDiver]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer ship and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: "How much?”

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much !"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to ?"

 

[santafejoe]

Cake or bed


a husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts, 'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now'.


He looks at her and says angrily, 'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?

I don't think so'.


Fine, then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right '


to which he replied, 'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?

I don't think so'.


'fine', she says
'then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break '
'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps'.
He says, 'does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?

I don't think so

i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!! '


so he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours....................................


He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home


as he walks into the house, he notices
that the steps are already fixed.


As he enters the house, he sees the
hall light is working.


As he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.


'honey', he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat outside and cried.


J ust then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.


He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake'.


He said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?'


she replied, 'hellooooo............................
Do you see betty crocker written
on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

 

[Ed L.]

GHOST
> SEX
>
> A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving
> a lecture on the supernatural.
>
> To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How
> many people here believe in ghosts?'
>
> About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well,
> that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
> ghosts, do
> any of you think you have seen a
> ghost?'
>
> About
> 40 students raise their hands.
>
>
> 'That's really good. I'm really glad you
> take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
> ghost?'
>
>
> About 15 students raise their hand.
>
>
> 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
>
>
> Three students raise their hands.
>
> 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
> further....Have any of you ever made love to a
> ghost?'
>
>
> Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
>
>
> The professor takes off his glasses, and
> says 'Son, all the years I've been
> giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
> made love to a ghost.
>
> You've
> got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
>
>
> The big redneck student replied with a nod and a
> grin, and began to make his
> way up to the podium.
>
> When he reached the front of the room, the professor
> asks,
>
> 'So,
> Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
> with a ghost?'
>
> Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I
> thought you said
> Goats.

 

[dmoore19]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday

And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on
That morning.

I went downstairs for
Breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy
Birthday!", and
Possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
She
Barely said good morning,
Let alone
"
Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well,
that's marriage for you,
But
The kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't
Say a word.
So when I left for the office ,

I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office ,

My secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning
Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better
That at least
Someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door

And said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful
Day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What
Do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go

Where we normally would go.
She chose
Instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.

We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal
Tremendously.

On the way back to the
Office ,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a
Beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the
Office , Do We ?"

I responded,

"I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner."

After
Arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to
Step into the bedroom
For just a moment.

I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously
Replied.

She went into the bedroom and,

After a couple of minutes,
She came out

Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed

By my wife,
My kids,
And
Dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All
Singing "Happy Birthday".



And I just sat there...

On the
Couch...

Naked.

________________________________________

 

[pidgiepoo]

The new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.



The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"



The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.



The old priest says , ...
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No ****... what happened next?"

 

[Rhone Man]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[Rhone Man]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 

[pidgiepoo]

Subject: EXPLANATION FOR STUTTERING


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say ********K!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Sorry if this was posted before..but still cute

 

[mlkco]

"I want to be 6 again"
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.