Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[The Anchor]

Top ten reasons Hockey is better than sex:

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally
9. The puck is always hard.
8. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
3. Periods last only 20 min.
2. You can count on it at least twice a week.
1. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

 

[msbrew]

Lost in Reincarnation...
One night, Tom does what he normally does --- he kisses his wife, crawls into bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe sitting next to him!

"What the heck are you doing in my bedroom...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog would be too tiring, but a hen would probably have a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself nicely feathered and in a chicken farm. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Doggone it Tom! Wake up! You're messin' up the bed sheets again!"

 

[msbrew]

I Dream of Genie...
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth!

This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

 

[m3830431]

good one

 

[dive bandit]

i'd just hold it till i were rescued...............

 

[ScubaSteve]

i'd just hold it till i were rescued...............

Or you ran out of things to drink

 

[dive bandit]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage,
and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before
we got married, did you?'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was
her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'The father replied. 'Well, son, you must
have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a
week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of
your wife at all. ''Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard
says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you. 'The old man says without
hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ? 'The agent
replies, 'Just a minute. ''Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a
golf gun,' the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What is a
golf gun?" I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse
appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I
didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,'
he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits.. It had been at least ten
years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or
an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd
never get it all in one. 'He's still in intensive care.

.........................................................................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in
the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and
calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

 

[mike_s]

Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston . "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popul ar myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the w oman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[ScubaSteve]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine.'

I damn near spat my coffee out with this one. The rest were good but hats off for this one .

 

[m3830431]

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"