Stepmothers and blended families

[GeekDiver]

Ok this has nothing to do with diving but since we have a wide range of both female and male divers from all over the world I though it would be a good place to ask. I thought about posting this in the women only section but want thoughts from both side of the house and I don’t want the ladies to think this is an attack on women in general. Be prepared this is a long post.

With today’s society in America, blended families (Marriages/Relationships that have children from other past relationships such as ex Wife/Husband or whatever) are becoming a norm. More and more people are becoming Stepmothers and Stepfathers. I think that it is harder for a Women to accept and adjust to having another child in their home that is not there own than Men do.

I would like to know how people think on this issue and how they have dealt with the problems of blended families. Read my background, ask questions, be as brutal as you like but be honest in your thoughts and comments is all I ask.

My Background,

As a Father with full custody of my two children this has been a constant issue with my current wife and has affected the way I view and treat her children. She has three children from her past and I have two from my ex plus one we had together.

When we married I assumed that all children in the home would be treated with equal respect, courtesy and dignity but over the course of time I now understand that no matter what my kids are not viewed by my Wife as part of the family and to be truthful not welcomed by her. Kinda like an extended relative that came to visit unexpectedly and has overstayed there welcome. This has cause massive problems. As a note we dated for a year and a half before getting married.

I moved out last year for a couple of months but decided not to divorce because we also have a child of our own. We (as in my wife and I, not the kids) have a strong relationship but because of stepchild issues in how we relate to each others kids there is a constant struggle.

When I moved back in I made changes in how we handle this. We now have separate bills and checking accounts, we have even gone so far as to separately shop and pay for food and household items such soap, laundry detergent etc. We even have separate phone lines. I now no longer take any responsibility for her kids and I’m insistent that she stay out of my kids business. This has helped but still not enough and there are still massive issues that occur often. Mostly as a result of how she relates with or compares her kids to mine on a constant basis.

We have been together for over 8 yrs now and all the kids are in high school so I keep hanging in until the time comes when they will move out and it will be just Me, My Wife and our one kid but it’s still going to be a few more years that we all will be living in the same house.

Geek

 

[wrongkey]

The first thing that occurred to me in reading your post was, "this guy needs to get a post-nuptial agreement." If you don't have one, seriously consider getting one.

Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice about how to handle your situation. Counseling might be helpful. Applying crowbar to cranium is still a felony.

 

[Natasha]

HI GeekDiver:
I hope it helped to write it all out, and vent it here.
That's about all you can do.
Sounds like the measures you have taken are working somewhat better then before, but still not perfect.
Sadly, the truth is, no one will love your children the way you, and their own mother do.
It's just the way it is.
It's part of the broken home. You have to take the good days with the bad.
And as you said, look to the future, when the kids can be out on their own and it will be just the three of you.
Hang in there. It sounds like you love your wife, and want it to work out.
Try hard not to go through another divorce. That would be worse on all the children, including the one you have together the most.
Be as patient as you can.
It will get better.

 

[GeekDiver]

Thanks for he words of encouragement and yes I have been thinking about firming up any potiential leagal matters in case of seperation or death. It's just fustrating with the consistant attacks or compairisons against my son. (My daughter no longer lives with me due to this issue)

Take yesterday for example.
My Stepdaughter called her mother from school and asked her to copy a project to disk and bring it to school because this was the last chance for her to turn it in and she forgot it.

The truth is the school project was already a day late and the teacher gave her an extra day to get it turned in. My wife went to copy the file but then couldn't find a blank disk. She then complained about what happened to all the disks she had bought impling that either myself or my son had used them without her permission.

She hadn't thought about it had been months since she bought any and the last project or two her daughter had to use a couple of my CD-R's. I found a disk that had some drivers I had d/l'ed so I del the files so she could use the disk. Then she complained that she would even have to use a disk if not for my son had run all the ink printing songs out that he had wrote. That happened two months ago and it was 11 text pages so he could send in fresh copies to the copywrite office for copywrite registration of his works.

She didn't think about all the receint use by her son and daughter. Her son prints off game cheats almost daily and her daughter had printed several pics of Prom dresses just a few days ago.

The only reason they have use of the computer is because of me. I bought it for my use and handed it down for the family to use when I bought a newer Computer. I handed it down for family use not just for her or her kids. A part of this is because I now have two more laptops and I handed my workstation down to my son to use for recording, mixing and editing his music that he writes. The family computer doesn't have what it needs to record and edit at the level he needs for demo's.

(he actualy has some talent and has had some discusions with a couple of record studios that have shown an intrest in him http://www.mezkla.net
this is a link to the last band he was in. They dumped him when they found out the record studio wasn't intrested in the band just him!)

The next problem occured last night. Her daughter ran over something and got a flat. My wife asked me to look at the tire to see if it could be repaired. The tire was toast and had a riped out sidewall. I sug that she sould replace the tire as soon as possible and that her daughter be very careful of how she drives while the spare was on. The spare is one of those small emergancy tires. This led to a compairson of how my son drives.

They claimed that he was speeding around the sub-division and that I shouldn't talk about the way her daughter drives. How my son may or may not drive in his truck has nothing to do with her needing to be extra careful since she's driving with a spare emergancy use tire. Her daughter's safty turned into an issue about my son. He was laid off of his job so he can't afford insurance right now so he's not even driving. He's not driving his truck let alone my stepdaughter's car.

This stems from several months ago. I caught her daughter speeding in and out of trafic and cutting off cars. I informed my wife out of concern and told her that my children would never be allowed to ride while she was driving. (my daughter and her daughter would often go places together such as the mall for shopping)

It's this day to day crud that is wearing me out.

Geek

 

[kelpmermaid]

Have you all considered some family counseling? Sounds like you have some unpleasant dynamics going on, and maybe you could all benefit from some outside help with change. Surely this is making everyone unhappy, not just you.