Why Guys Do It?

[OrlandoRogue]

Last night, I was at dinner with several women and we pondered a topic that left us just as confused when we left the table as when we sat down to ponder the question. I would like to pose it to you ladies to see if you have any answers. The question is this-how can men rebound so fast and so hard? The experience that several of us have had at the table was that these men would be involved in serious relationships, espousing dedication and complete adoration. But, as soon as the relationships had ended, the guys could not stand to be alone. It seems as if some guys cannot bear to be without a female companion. Yet, the opinion of the women I spoke to, was that we all feel the need for a mourning period, even when we break it off. Most women feel it wouldn't be fair to the guy who would be our rebound, so we just don't date for a while-rather we go to the gym more, eat lots of chocolate icecream, watch sappy movies and spend many evenings drinking with the girls. The length of time spent within a serious relationship demands time for a person's heart to regain the capacity to care deeply for another individual, so what gives? Any insight, ladies? Have you had any recent epiphanies or revelations?

 

[sealkie]

I know women that bounce from man to man without a care and I know men who have taken 2 years or more to recover from a comitted relationship

depends on the person

 

[jonnythan]

I think a lot of it has to do with how people get used to something. Guys get used to patterns and women get used to people. When a guy is pretty habituated to being with a person and they lose that person, they suddenly have a lot of time and they typically want to replace it. Women get used to people, and when the person is gone they grieve. Of course both of these apply both ways, but that's my opinion. I've been there.. once you get over the longing for companionship (ANY companionship) things get better

I also think women are more concerned about caring deeply for someone before they get involved, whereas man tend to get into a relationship and the deep caring comes later. That could also help explain it.. when guys bounce right to a new relationship, they're doing it because it's there, not because they're deeply in love with the new person. They might learn to love the new person as time goes on, of course.

(This is very general, I don't want to hear about how *you* are different )

 

[OrlandoRogue]

I know women that bounce from man to man without a care and I know men who have taken 2 years or more to recover from a comitted relationship

depends on the person

Good point! I probably should have phrased the question, "why people do it?!" It really does depend upon the character of the individual. I guess I have seen it more in men than women (hence my generalization), but there are a few wonderful guys I know who have never bounced so quickly. I apologize to them if the statement above seemed to encompass all men.

 

[OrlandoRogue]

I think a lot of it has to do with how people get used to something. Guys get used to patterns and women get used to people. When a guy is pretty habituated to being with a person and they lose that person, they suddenly have a lot of time and they typically want to replace it. Women get used to people, and when the person is gone they grieve. Of course both of these apply both ways, but that's my opinion. I've been there.. once you get over the longing for companionship (ANY companionship) things get better

I also think women are more concerned about caring deeply for someone before they get involved, whereas man tend to get into a relationship and the deep caring comes later. That could also help explain it.. when guys bounce right to a new relationship, they're doing it because it's there, not because they're deeply in love with the new person. They might learn to love the new person as time goes on, of course.

(This is very general, I don't want to hear about how *you* are different )

Good insight and some poignant delineation between men and women. I think you hit the nail on the head in pointing out some of our key differences in regards to reactions. Perhaps I need to finally sit down and read, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Ugh!

 

[lamont]

I know women that bounce from man to man without a care and I know men who have taken 2 years or more to recover from a comitted relationship

depends on the person

i agree. i know some women (quite a few actually) who tend to have their next man all lined up even before they've broken off their relationship with their ex. i had a good learning experience with one relationship that began as the next guy in that kind of situation and ended as the ex in that kind of situation (odd how that works...).

and i've never seen women who are as dedicated to a relationship as some of the guys that i know. i can think of a couple of guys who have stayed dedicated long after they should have moved on by years...

 

[MyDiveLog]

The book "Men are from Mars ..." give a pretty good theory: Men and women are simply wired differently. Go back a thousand years and men spent most of their time husbanding their energy, while the women were in constant motion keeping the 'family and home/'cave' together. This allowed the men, when danger or food was present, to jumped into action, using great strength and a burst of energy to kill the beast, etc. They'd bring the kill home, drop back into 'neutral,' while the women did all the work of cleaning, etc. It was an evolutionary-enforced efficiency.

The modern-day result is that women can and do juggle a thousand balls simultaneously and tend to be more naturally relationship oriented than men. Men seem more able to focus only on the 'task at hand,' worrying less about other problems and probably less about relationship issues. This might explain why guys are sometimes better at 'changing out' relationship partners.

While part of this resonates with me ... having recently done the switch from 'corporate america' to 'Mr. Mom' was a REAL adjustment for me ... I'm not sure I buy all of it. There are lots of examples which contradict the example you gave, where men lauguish after a breakup while women move quickly on.

 

[ShakaZulu]

Yep, I think women get over it much quicker than men. Men seem to structure their lives in a pyramid, women leave, that thing comes tumbling down, whereas women are more laterally structured. Take the man out, just put another one in its place (don't ask me how I know). Beside women don't really need men, they are just their to take care of things............

 

[OrlandoRogue]

To Lamont and MyDiveLog-read my response to sealkie. I completely agree that the issue may be more individual-based rather than gender-based. It just seems that all my women friends react as I do, and the men we know react hastily and carelessly. BUT-there are always exceptions, so perhaps the small crowd of individuals with whom I interact are more rare than they are common.
ShakaZulu-Despite the front we put on, we do need men (Gasp! Did I just admit that?). I think it ties back into what jonnythan said earlier, it does take some of us a long time to get into the relationship and a long time to get over it, even if we are the ones who ended it. So, in the mean time, we put on a good face and pretend to move on, attempting to lose ourselves in the myriad of other things going on in our lives.

 

[justleesa]

yes, very hard to generalize. I know some widows and widowers...The men have found someone to date within 3 months after the deaths of their partners, Where the women are still single after many years. Do some people need others to distract them from their pain? not really investing emotion until much later?

i agree. i know some women (quite a few actually) who tend to have their next man all lined up even before they've broken off their relationship with their ex. i had a good learning experience with one relationship that began as the next guy in that kind of situation and ended as the ex in that kind of situation (odd how that works...).

Some times it takes a long time to end a relationship that is already dead. You know you're not happy, it isn't working, you're not communicating, but you have too much invested in it to go then and there. So maybe some women (or men) were emotionally over and done with it long before they took the step out? Does that make sense?