When my buddy and I were diving the U-869 on air with John Chatterton and Richie Kohler last year, my buddy's split fins silted the place up so bad that I couldn't find my Spare-Air. I got so nervous I mistakenly hit the "up elevator" lever on my SeaQuest i-3 BCD. Ordinarily, this would have sent me shooting to the surface, but fortunately some monofilament got tangled around my Air-2. When I cut the line with the 11" knife strapped to my calf, I mistakenly poked the purge valve in my HydrOptix mask. I tried to use my tank banger to get my buddy's attention, but by that time he had gotten one of his suicide clips tangled up in the retractor I use to attach my dry snorkle to the transmitter of my air-integrated wireless compass, which I bought on-line instead of at the LDS that I stopped supporting ever since I signed up for e-learning. I believe that was right about the time I had the regs I bought at Leisure Pro serviced at the local Jiffy-Lube but didn’t actually test them myself before going on a special “Storm Tracker” live-aboard trip that I signed up for because in addition to free nitrox they were offering a special "take Fish ID, get your IDC free" promotion. Unfortunately I missed that trip because of the systemic fungal infection I contracted when the Halcyon p-valve I installed myself in my cave-cut trilam dry suit failed while I was solo-diving for golf balls without a scooter. Which I only did for the money, ever since the captain of the boat I DM on started making me tip the passengers $10/tank on every charter that I work.
I'm writing a book about it...
Shallow Divers: The true story of two Americans who risked everything to solve the mystery of every "you're gonna die" cliche on ScubaBoard
Ironically, it seems that Gary Gentile is now claiming that I actually did not experience EVERY cliche myself, based on a series of interviews with the girlfriend of the brother of a guy I shared a room with on Spring Break in 1987 and is now threatening to expose the REAL story of how all the trouble started when Papa Bear kept radioing the Coast Guard to ask whether he could log pool dives as "real dives".
I will happily refute Gary's assertions in an on-line interview on ScubaBoard, wherein I will respond to any and all questions with "get a BP/W" while wearing my mask on my forehead.
PS - it's not the agency, it's the instructor!
