Stay W/ my buddy or stay W/ the group?

[Damselfish]

Agree with others it's the person, not the relationship. There are simply good buddies and bad buddies. My husband and I dive together most of the time, we've been doing it for 15 years and while I won't claim we're perfect it's never been a major problem for us.

It may help that we learned together and were never in the situation of one experienced and one novice, though of course that is no excuse for the situation described.

 

[Jim Lapenta]

My fiance is unable to dive with me due to having muscular dystrophy and being confined to a wheelchair. However she usually goes on most of the outings as a bubble watcher or just because she likes the people I dive with. As such she has seen alot of different situations involving buddy teams from a different perspective. She hears the plans before and then the results later when the dive is over and has provided me with some unique insights. Most of our diving takes place in a local lake used by many different instructors and agencies for training. This thread after listening to her views and my own personal observations is not about husband/wife teams but about buddy teams period. True you do not leave your buddy but if your buddy leaves you and creates stress you need to remove the stressor. Either by talking it out and developing a plan and sticking to it or get rid of the buddy. as a DM candidate I am responsible often for accompanying new divers as a buddy or just overseeing the group if the instructor is briefly occupied with an individual. I am aware of my experience level and of the people I'm with. I would never knowingly force, cajole, imply, or lead someone less experienced into a situation that would make them uncomfortable or jeopardize their safety. To do so is irresponsible, negligent, and just plain stupid. I also would be dropped like a hot rock by my instructor if I did this. And I really hate to bring this up but in the movie "open water" one of the first things I saw was that the husband was a "free spirit" who did not want to stay with the group.( It should be a requirement for shops and operators to watch this as what not to do.) Can you say "hot dog ************". If he insists on diving beyond your comfort level I'd advise diving with a buddy who does not. It also sounds like a big ego trip for him. What especially also scares me is you indicating he lets you go first in these penetrations that you do not have specific training for. That's like a surgeon telling a patient "here you make the first cut and I'll finish up!" I'd advise also you take the rescue diver course cause he sounds like an accident waiting to happen and you'll also learn that the first consideration in a rescue is the safety of the rescuer(s).An untrained person conducting a rescue in a situation they are not trained for usually results in additions to the number of victims needing help or an increase in the body count. And as was also posted before. I'd be next in line to kick his ***** if you were my daughter.

 

[nu-diver]

I want to first say thank you to everyone that posted an answer to my question. Altho some were just plain critical and sounded more like sales pitches for PADI dive classes, most of the replies were very helpful. My husband and I read them all and found them very useful. I think that reading about my concerns rather than just hearing me voice them really made him listen.

So we talked about our buddy issues and some of the things that were posted on this thread and have a resolution for future dives.

We are going to discuss in detail our dive plan before going in the water.
If I am not comfortable with the plan I will let him know.

I am not going to assume that the dive guides plan is going to always be are plan.

When he talks to the dive guide to make sure a variation is OK, which he does, and lets the dive guide know what our dive plan is, which he does, he is going to make sure that I am a part of that conversation. I didn't even know that the conversation was taking place.

Basically, it's a communication issue, and we are going to communicate more. I am going to get more involved with the details, and he is going to let me in on the details. If we both make the commitment to work on this we will be OK.

 

[BIGSAGE136]

Sounds like a plan! Good luck, and safe diving.

 

[Bo-jan]

If we're diving in a group and get separated somehow due to bad visibility or strong currents I always stick to my buddy. I don't feel that being completely alone underwater is a safe way to dive unless you're really experienced which I am not.

Cheers
Bojan

 

[Archangel]

I guess the real question I have is what chioce should I make.
Die with him and leave our kids without parents?
Or let him die alone and tell the kids what a great dad they had?

Thoughtful Nu-diver:

I write this more to knock some sense into my own head, rather than caution you.

You see, I am the same type of diver as your husband. . . complacent. Complacency leads to recklessness and makes diving dangerous. You have a healthy fear that he, and for that matter I, have overcome.

I was a cautious diver, not skirting the fundamentals in my first 50 dives. Something changed from 50-100. . . I got reckless and complacent. the fundamental rules like buddy check and pre-dive planning are inviolate.

Him poking his head in places, penetrating wrecks, and leaving the group with you in tow is reckless (note to self again. . . stop doing these inviolate rules). What was discussed in the pre-dive planning? Was there a pre-dive planning?

He is not doing them, and you are trusting in his ability instead challenging yourself to be a safe and independent diver.


Both he and I need a kick in the butt and go back to the fundamentals before we kill ourselves.

Returning to Doing It Right,

Tevis

 

[DandyDon]

I guess the real question I have is what chioce should I make.
Die with him and leave our kids without parents?
Or let him die alone and tell the kids what a great dad they had?

Wow, no wonder you got so many replies.

Stay safe and buy more life insurance on him. Make him take a wreck penetration course and use a line.

 

[miketsp]

I'm beginning to think that diving with one's spouse is simply a recipe for trouble.
..snip..

Well since this old thread has been reactivated I'll add a new comment about a recent incident I had.
My wife was always my favourite buddy but as is often natural our comfort levels started to diverge and matters came to a head when we were doing a night dive in a cavern with about 10 other divers and 7 large agitated turtles. absolute chaos. Without really thinking I complained about her finning raising silt - something she doesn't normally do and we got into an argument. Anyway I only realised that she was totally stressed out when I looked at her SPG so I grabbed her and got her out of there fast - which basically meant setting a compass heading for the entrance as by then there were clouds of silt with zero vis everywhere raised by several of the divers some of whom were actually rolling around on the floor. There are other lessons here but they're off topic and not relevant to the point I want to make.
Anyway after we got back to the boat and both calmed down we had a long chat and the main lessons were:
1. If you're diving as a buddy pair then the dive should be within the comfort zone and capability level of BOTH divers.
2. If either member of the buddy pair is not at ease with the buddy arrangements, then change them - before the dive. Once you start the dive your commitment is to support your buddy.
3. Neither buddy will pressure the other to go beyond their comfort level.
4. Neither buddy will complain or make the other feel guilty about suggesting a buddy swap for a specific dive.

Prior to this incident we had only dove with each other for around 200 sequential dives, since then I have done some with other buddies, but the great majority are still with her.
Nowadays I actually enjoy more my dives with my wife because I accept them for what they are and the little bit of subconscious frustration that was probably at the back of my mind has gone away.

For me this incident was a valuable lesson which really made me rethink my attitude - fortunately nobody was hurt by it.

 

[tracker]

Just because both of you like to dive doesn't mean you have to be best buddies diving. Know your limits.

 

[rawls]

Sticking his head in holes in shipwrecks is not very dangerous in my humble opinion...as long as it's a big enough hole. That's not diving in an overhead environment. Penetration is another matter altogether. Then you are dealing with overhead environments. If he is doing that then it depends on how far he is going in. If he's just going in a door and coming back out, ie, he can see the exit point, I think that's ok as long as he is not losing sight of you. I don't believe that really qualifies for penetration. If he is going inside the wreck beyond seeing an exit point, not familiar with the wreck, and leaving you, then he is not being a great dive buddy. But I don't know his side of the story and there are some contradictions you list that have already been mentioned. Talk to him about it. Maybe you could choose a buddy that has the same comfort level as you. If you are not comfortable with his practices at times then you are not having fun. Fun is what diving is all about...