Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[The Chairman]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[santafejoe]

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker, and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish. Watch for yours soon.

---------- Post added April 23rd, 2012 at 04:45 PM ----------

In A WYOMING BAR A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass!" Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass, too!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again. He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "Horse country."

 

[t4e]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,


'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

[pidgiepoo]

Fw: headlines 21

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---------- Post added April 24th, 2012 at 04:28 AM ----------

---------- Post added April 24th, 2012 at 04:34 AM ----------

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."


The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.


The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."


So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.


The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."


The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady,"Uhhh.....that smells like ****."


The little old lady said, "It is. I'd like to buy three rolls of toilet paper

 

[mobeeno]

THREESOME!...Then there is Twosome!....

HANDSOME?

 

[The Anchor]

14 - Why do brides wear white?
Dishwasher should match the fridge and the stove
15 - Why did the woman cross the road?
Wrong question, what is she doing out of the kitchen and where did she get those shoes?!?

 

[pidgiepoo]

SWEDISH BLONDE




A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap."

---------- Post added April 26th, 2012 at 03:51 AM ----------

Apple does it again !
Apple announced today
that it has developed a breast implant
that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699
depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough.....
Because women
are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.

 

[WOODMAN]

LADIE'S NIGHT OUT?


A married woman gets an invitation to go out for 'a night with the girls', and decides to accept. She tells her husband that she will be back by midnight, and then off she goes. Well, the hours roll by and the margaritas go down, and finally it is almost 3AM when she manages to get home, more than a little tipsy. She sneaks in the front door, when suddenly the cuckoo clock in the front hall goes off and cuckoos 3 times. She realizes that her husband no doubt heard that, and thinking quickly, she cuckoos 9 more times. Now he thinks it is midnight she thinks, and proud of her cleverness she slips off to bed.
Next morning, the husband asks her what time she got in, and she says "midnight". He appears to accept this, and she is congratulating herself when he says "We need a new cuckoo clock." When asked why, he said "Last night the clock cuckooed 3 time, said oh heck, cuckooed 3 more times, stopped to clear it's throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 3 more times, and then fell over the coffee table."




4 WORMS IN CHURCH

A minister decided to try a little graphic representation in his next sermon, and brought 4 worms and a collection of jars to church. During the sermon, he put one worm in a jar filled with whiskey, one in a jar filled with cigarette smoke, one in a jar filled with chocolate syrup, and the last one in a jar filled with fresh clean earth. At the conclusion of the sermon, he pulled the jars out and found that the worms in the first 3 jars were dead, but the worm in the dirt was alive and doing great. He then asked the congregation if they learned anything from this. An old lady in the back raised her hand and said "It appears that if you drink whiskey, smoke and eat chocolates, you won't have worms!" That was pretty much the end of the sermon.

 

[pidgiepoo]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
> While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
> The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in
> the act.
> For $100, the cabby agrees.
> Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
> The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
> his wife in
> bed with another man!
> The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
> The wife shouts, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
>
> HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
>
> HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
>
> HE paid for your football season tickets.
>
> HE paid for our house at the lake.
>
> He paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
>
> HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues
> !'
>
> Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
>
>
>
>
>
> He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do ?
>
>
> The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches
> cold.'

 

[pidgiepoo]

> Dearest Redneck Son,
> I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
> where we did when you left home.
> Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles
> of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
> the last Louisiana family that lived here took the
> house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
> address..
> This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
> about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen
> them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
> first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat
> you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to
> send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in
> the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
> worried because it took him two hoursto get me and your father out. Your
> sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I
> don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey
> vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and
> drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your
> friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down
> the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They
> drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more
> news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your
> Favourite Aunt,
> Mom

---------- Post added May 5th, 2012 at 03:12 AM ----------

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and watch TV
>
> He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
> I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
>
> He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
> I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
>
> He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
> I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
> He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
> I said to him . . They already have boyfriends.
>
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
> I said to him. . .. A widow.
>
> He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
> I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed..Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
>