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Death of my Son, I need some help

Discussion in 'Passings' started by Superlyte27, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
    Location: Florida
    I don’t know where to start, but I’ll jump right in. I lost my 16 year old son a week before Christmas and I’m not handling it well. My wife says that I need to talk to someone about it. But I hate everyone. I especially hate the people tell me stupid cliches like “God needed another angel in heaven”, or some stupid crap like that. I’m not looking for people to pity me, or tell me “we’re so sorry for your loss”. Thank you. But what I really want is for people who have been through this with a child specifically to tell me how the hell you got through it. Because frankly, I’m not sure I can.

    My son was pretty awesome. He was pretty sarcastic and always threw in a, “that’s what she said” at the most inappropriate time, but he never got into any trouble. He was generous and thoughtful. He wouldn’t tolerate bullies. He was a hard worker and saved his money. He was reliable and dependable. He had no problem saying, “I love you” or giving me a hug, even in a crowd of his friends. Honestly, he had the best traits of me, and none of the crap I had as a teen or adult.

    It’s pretty terrible to lose someone that you have such a great relationship with. We shared so many hobbies together and so many hours together every day. Our day would close every night with him walking in the back door after work telling me how his day went. We’d watch a little bit of TV before I’d say, “Brian, I gotta crash, can you lock up?” It was just our few minutes together every night. I still sit on that couch at 10:30 when he’d normally walk in.

    My wife and I were going into Orlando to grab cell phones for Christmas when we came upon the road closed by FHP. It was barricaded off and we couldn’t see why the road was closed. It would be an hour later before FHP notified us that our son was killed in that accident.

    You know, I don’t have the normal regrets I hear, like a fight that lasted months, or constant battles over drugs, alcohol, school, whatever. But I do regret that I didn’t spend more time with him instead of working so much. I do regret that I never spoke to him the day he died. I typically didn’t wake him before I went to work. We’d spend time together at night, not in the morning. I do regret buying him the bike that he was killed on, even though everyone keeps telling me, “that bike made him the happiest he’s ever been”. FU, it also made him the deadest he’s ever been when a car didn’t see him and turned in front of him.

    I feel like an idiot for buying that bike. Of course my wife tells me if it wasn’t the bike, it would have been something else. It was just his time to go. That’s another FU. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in God. I’m so mad at God. Which is an issue, because I’m a deacon and associate pastor at a church I’ve been a member of for a long time. I want nothing to do with God and at this point don’t even know if I could be considered a Christian.

    I don’t know how to keep going. For the first 3 weeks, I blew through a small fortune in an attempt to stay busy and not think about the devastation. But no matter how much money I spent, or what state my pillow was in, every night was still filled with loss and tears.

    I’m supposed to talk to someone. I’m not sure it’s fair for my friends and family to have to put up with me for them level of anger and toxicity I have. So, I reach out to you...

    Have any of you been through this? Are you willing to talk about it either here or in PM? How did you get through it? I’ve lost parents, best friends, siblings and mentors. This is 100x worse than I could imagine, and I wouldn’t wish it on the worst person. How did you survive?

    I ask here, and not on some random grieving forum, because over the last decade I’ve come to know you guys somewhat. You’re not a complete stranger and we have a some history through these threads.
    Robbyg, Mattom, KristenK and 27 others like this.
  2. dewdropsonrosa

    dewdropsonrosa ScubaBoard Supporter ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Chicago, IL
  3. The Chairman

    The Chairman Chairman of the Board

    # of Dives: I just don't log dives
    Location: Cave Country!
    My son died from an overdose in 2013. He had suffered for many years with a congenital spinal chord defect that the doctors never figured out how to fix, so he self medicated. I was devastated. I had come home from an NACD weekend to find him on the floor in the bathroom. Lividity had set in, so I knew there was no hope. I called 911 and waded through some of the most insensitive condescending crap from the operator. Get a clue. My son just died so keep your impatience and other snark to yourself. Soon there came the outflowing of people reaching out to me. Some thought this was a good time to convert me. Some thought they could somehow reason with me and bring me out of my pain. I must say that I still feel resentment towards a few for this. In my mind, the only valid response was: "I have no idea what you're going through, but I'm here if you need to cry."

    I'm crying now. No dad should have to deal with this. It's unnatural. It's unfair. It's not reasonable and anyone telling me it's somehow "for the best", "couldn't be avoided", "not my fault" or some other canned BS should try losing their child sometime. Death is the most personal circumstance we ever deal with. The death of a child is a thousand times more so. Everyone is different. Everyone handles it in the best way they can. Don't give me your "solution", especially if you haven't been here. Don't "tsk tsk" me. Don't even say anything negative about my son. Allow me to grieve as I see fit. I'll let you know if I need your help and so will Pete. Give us room and no judgement.

    Brother Pete, as different as we are, we've still shared a lot of similarities over the years. I am so, so sorry we share this as well. I did find that water hides the tears. Time will not close this hole in our hearts, but the pain will subside a bit. Only a bit. I can't tell you how many times I see things through Harrison's eyes. How many times I miss his quick wit, his hugs and his insights. It's hard to read the screen through the tears, so I apologize for any typos. Call me if you ever want, or perhaps we should hit dinner sometime. Life sucks sometimes.
  4. The Chairman

    The Chairman Chairman of the Board

    # of Dives: I just don't log dives
    Location: Cave Country!
    Simply put: you don't survive as much as you subsist. That's how it's been for me.
  5. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
    Location: Florida
    Pete, I consider you a friend. You have dealt with me over the years with patience and wisdom that most of the moderating staff probably thought was wasted and misplaced. I am so so sorry that you have dealt with what I’m dealing with now. I’ve been through some pretty crappy times in my life, stuff most children should never endure, and this is far far worse.

    Your words are spot on. Thank you. And thank you to all the other people who have reached out.
  6. Erich S

    Erich S Barracuda

    I have three sons and I can’t imagine the pain that you both are going through. My sympathies to you both.
    Schwob and The Chairman like this.
  7. doctormike

    doctormike ScubaBoard Supporter Staff Member ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 1,000 - 2,499
    Location: New York City
    Pete, I can’t even begin to imagine your pain, and how strong you must be to bear it. I have nothing to give you in the way of advice, and I don't know if you even want to hear from anyone who hasn't been there. But if it helps, you should know how much your being part of this community means to me, and to others. You have shared your knowledge and you have taught me things that might save my life someday.

    I know that the world of diving probably seems small right now. Just remember that we appreciate you. We bicker and snipe at each other about PO2 levels and SMBs and agencies and the rest, but at the end of the day, we are a tribe. We know what a good person you are.

    And I’m sure that Brian knew that too.
    MykaDives, Pweintz, cindysoo and 7 others like this.
  8. miked

    miked Loggerhead Turtle

    # of Dives: 500 - 999
    Location: Park Ridge NJ
    Sympathies to you both, and to all who have faced the unbelievable horror of the loss of a child.
    The Chairman likes this.
  9. EireDiver606

    EireDiver606 Public Safety Diver

    Im really sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through.
    The Chairman likes this.
  10. almostDIR

    almostDIR Barracuda

    # of Dives: 25 - 49
    Location: Finland
    for me it has helped to have a specific time during a day when I will just listen to classical music and will let the grief come out in a controlled manner so that I can process it in manageable amounts at a time and I will not crush under it.

    To me it sounds like that you are not yet out of shock and it might be helpful to talk to a good therapist. He can help you with the grieving process and it is also helpful to talk to someone you don't know at all. Family and friends have their own grief too and they may try to handle it differently than what would be the best for you.

    When I experienced a great loss my mother in law tried to over analyse everything about the accident and kept talking about it every time I saw her. It was not helpful for me at all, even harmful, but it was her way to grieve. You have to find your own way.

    To me, music has helped. I don't know if it would work for you but for me it has helped to isolate myself once or twice a day and let the memories and sorrow come out, not overly analysing them but letting it come so that I can process the pain small amount at a time and then let it transform to another form so that I can let that small piece of sorrow go. One can't really run away from it but one can process it little by little in one's own way, then let that small piece of sorrow go and give that space for the good memories.

    I listened Ralph Vaughan Williams orchestral works for a long time. Lark Ascending for example. I don't know what was in them which, for me, related to the sorrow and the life of the persons lost.

    (I am sorry if I didn't sound sympathetic and thoughtful. English is not my mother language and I tried to focus on how I was able to process my own sorrow in hope that it could be helpful for you in some way. Sometimes the best way to support a person is just to be there with them, supporting them and listening but saying nothing and not analysing anything)

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