Because you've all been so very helpful and kind to me, I wanted to come back and tell you what's happened. If you have the desire (or time or patience!) to read through all of this, I hope you will understand my present state of mind. Needless to say, there will be no certification dives this weekend.
Warning: Epic scuba fail ahead ...
Arrived at class in the late afternoon yesterday for the final confined pool session. My husband, who had "flunked out" the night before went with me, planning to just sit in the shade reading his book. The first drill was to put on all of the equipment out of the water, to simulate what it would be like diving from a boat and having to gear-up before getting in the ocean. We also had to don our wetsuits, and for proper bouyancy, I had 16 lbs in my BC. Then we stood next to the pool and the instructor put the BC and tank onto our backs, after which we were to put on our fins (standing on one foot at a time while leaning on his shoulder), then our masks, then take a giant stride off the side of the pool into the water. I was already really hot in the wetsuit - it must have still been close to 100 degrees at that time of day so wearing head-to-toe neoprene was not comfortable - and when he put the BC/tank on my back I almost fell over from the weight. I'm guessing my gear weighed at least 50 lbs. When it was time to do the giant stride into the water, my legs were shaking like mad. I did the step, and right as I made the plunge, I hit my head on the back of the tank HARD. Going down into the water, one of my fins came off. I panicked - that hit on the head was terribly painful - and had a difficult time remembering to inflate my BC for buoyancy. I floundered around a good deal until I got into the shallow end. I already felt "spent" but wanted to press on.
Once we were all in the water, instructor said the next two drills were the most difficult we would have to do. I took a deep breath and decided, well ok. I can do this. The first was in the shallow end and involved flooding our mask, removing the mask completely, waiting a few seconds, then replacing the mask and clearing it of water. Instructor warned us that water would go up our nose, but that we had to just deal with the discomfort and remember to breathe. So we all went underwater and I watched as everyone else in the class performed the task with ease, then it came my turn. Still feeling shaky from my botched entry into the pool, I again took deep breaths and just pressed on. I filled the mask - hating the sensation of water seeping into my eyes and nose - then removed it completely. With the mask off, the bubbles produced by breathing from the regulator were right IN my face and this was a very unpleasant sensation, especially combined with water going up my nose at the same time. I started to panic again, and instructor kept trying to calm me. It took me quite awhile, but I managed to get the mask back on and cleared the mask partially - but then I accidentally lifted the mask too high while exhaling through my nose, and water rushed in like crazy. I could feel it in my nose and throat. I had to come up to the surface. I was really getting panicky again. Instructor tried his best to calm me, assuring me that I HAD, technically, performed the task, but explaining where I'd gone wrong in lifting the mask too high. I tried my best to get back "in check", calm myself, and just keep going.
The next drill was to swim down to the bottom of the deep end with our buddy, to where instructor sat near the pool drain. There we were to remove our mask and have our buddy lead us on a lap around the pool. Of course, this meant that water went up our nose again without the mask, but we were told it was ok to hold our nose if it really bothered us (so I did). I did the mask removal and was led around the pool by my buddy, then back to the bottom where instructor was waiting to watch me perform that same task of putting on the mask and clearing it -- the very thing I'd had such trouble with just prior to this drill. (Instructor had me go first, since he didn't want me to have time to start fretting that I was incapable of performing this task, after he'd given me instruction on how to do it properly.) Once again, after I got the mask back on my face, clearing it was just a nightmare. I would lift my head up and try to forcefully exhale through my nose, and water would come rushing in. I tried to do it just as he'd showed me – I thought I KNEW where I’d gone wrong before, but just couldn’t seem to get it right. Water still flooded up my nose and I felt like was gulping massive quantities of water into my mouth or throat while still trying to breathe from the regulator. My panic level rose quickly. Instructor kept trying to calm me, but I could not calm down. I kept indicating to him that I wanted to surface, and he kept trying to convince me to stay UW and keep trying. I began to hyperventilate. I could hear myself making distressed cries through the regulator. I signaled again that I was going to the surface, and instructor still kept trying to calm me and keep me at the bottom. The panic and hyperventilation just got worse and worse until I finally just bolted to the surface. Once there, I was pretty much out of my mind. My reasoning ability was gone, and ALL I wanted to do was get out of the pool. My BC was uninflated, so I wasn't buoyant enough to keep afloat in the deep end. I kept feeling myself going under, pulled down by the weights, and I flailed around madly to try to keep my head above water. I had lost all sense of reason - could not even tell WHERE the inflator for my BC was. Eventually - somehow - I think it was a combination of my trying to work my way back there AND someone pulling me - I made it to the shallow end and reached the steps to lean on. I was a disaster. I thought I would puke (wouldn't THAT be lovely in the pool?). My head pounded. I was shaking uncontrollably and whimpering like a frightened puppy. I had massive quantities of snot pouring out of my nose (yuck). My husband rushed over to the pool, and after witnessing my struggle, he broke down sobbing. Instructor tried to get me to calm down, just sit in the pool (I really think he wanted me to keep trying - to keep going and not give up), but ALL I wanted to do was get the hell out of that water. Once out, I sat out of sight of the others and just bawled like a baby with my husband doing the same thing, right along with me. I asked an onsite helper to tell instructor to just keep on with the class. I was horribly, horribly embarrassed and didn't want any more attention directed at me than absolutely necessary. Once I could gather my wits enough I got out of the wetsuit, back into my clothes, and we left. I wanted nothing more than the comfort of being back in my own home.
What an ordeal. I am emotional just writing about it. I took a shower when I got home went to bed early. This morning I feel like I have been physically pummelled. Last night I was SO disappointed and frustrated and ANGRY at my inability to perform the same tasks that everyone else in the class could do with no difficulty. I truly felt like the idiot in the class - but I'm sure I made their scuba training memorable ("Remember that lady in class who freaked out?"). But this morning I feel slightly better about things. I feel like, heck, at least we TRIED this, which is more than most people will ever do. After my husband had such trouble in the pool on Wednesday night, I was disappointed because we wouldn't be doing this at the same pace anymore. Now I completely understand how he felt when he panicked (although his wasn't as dramatic as mine) and just couldn't do the skills. It's incredibly humbling. Part of me wonders if my panic built upon his, and perhaps that was a component. I know I did feel a little bit "lonely" in the pool without him, even though there were obviously others in there with me.
I'm feeling a sense of relief, though, that I don't have to go out to a quarry tomorrow and deal with performing these kinds of tasks with FISH thrown into the mix! I think I will likely still try to continue working on overcoming my phobia, but there is absolutely NO sense of urgency in doing so anymore. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted in that regard. I know I had a lot on my plate with dealing with the phobia AND learning the dive skills. Now I am kinda left wondering why I felt like I had "something to prove" to myself, and to others, in trying to push myself through this class. Even when I started to feel uncomfortable with the skills, I still really tried hard to push myself. I now feel like I'll probably never attain the "coolness" of being a certified scuba diver. But as of this writing – I’ll be honest - I don't care so much. I'm not feeling so much like I failed, but at least ... I really gave it my best. And one thing is for absolute certain: I never, EVER want to feel such a helpless sense of panic again.
My lungs and my throat ache and feel raw, and I want nothing more than to simply rest for the next couple of days. Of course, I SO hoped that my experience would have a different, more positive outcome. I do realize that not everyone who tries scuba is going to feel it's their thing. That's pretty much where I'm at today. Dashed hopes, but a much greater knowledge and awareness than I could have possibly had if I'd never attempted this.
