How do you secretly rat out a cheater?

[scubastaci]

OK, so I posted a thread last year about my husband's friend that is dating my neighbor's daughter. She is really sweet, but young and naive. He is older, been married twice and is a total dog. I was not friends with "Shelly" last year, but have become so over the past year. We have done a lot with them as a couple.
"Jim" has been cheating for months and has now found someone that he has been seeing on the side for some time. This other woman is fine with him seeing someone else, but Shelly has no idea. She is oblivious.
My problem is this, he is my husband's friend and my friend Marcia's roommate. He makes me sick, but I do not want my husband to lose him as a friend. (I am not worried about his behavior rubbing off. My hubby couldn't afford to mess up! ) I also do not want Marcia to have to deal with him being a complete :mooner: to her thinking that she has told Shelly. So.....what would be a good way to let the beans spill without actually opening the bag completely?
AAAGGGHHH I hate drama!

 

[RasRitz]

I would stay away from it if I were you.. With time, he will slip up and get caught. You don't want to get involved in all the drama. That puts you in the middle of it all and gives you more crap to stress over.

 

[Teamcasa]

Your husband should not want that sort of friend. Tell you husband, let him tell him. If your husband has any class, he will set the guy straight or kick him to the curb as a friend.

 

[divingbuddy]

Your husband should not want that sort of friend. Tell you husband, let him tell him. If your husband has any class, he will set the guy straight or kick him to the curb as a friend.

I couldn't agree more. If a buddy of mine was doing something that low, I would appreciate my wife bringing it to my attention. I would confront my friend and give him a very brief amount of time to end one relationship or I would be in contact with the girl next door. I certainly wouldn't worry about losing such a 'friend' - if they would lose my friendship over my objection to such questionable behaviour, then I would seriously have to evaluate just what kind of 'friend' I have.

My attitude is that either I speak out against what I know is wrong, or, by my silence/inaction I am giving my consent. Has it cost me at times? Perhaps, but it certainly never cost me my dignity or self-respect. My character is stronger for having done the right thing.

Just my two cents...I can appreciate how difficult it can be to be in the middle of everyone else's crap.

 

[Deefstes]

I am in total agreement with the previous two posts. You don't want to be in the middle of everyone else's crap and you shouldn't. If I were your husband (which I'm not so I can't speak for him) I would have wanted you to tell me what you know. I would then, as divingbuddy said, tell my "friend" in no uncertain terms that he will rethink his behaviour or I will rethink my friendships but that I will not be associated, even if just through silent consent, with such misbegotten crap.

On a more philosophical note, I think the world we find ourselves in is riddled with unnecessary heartache and pain which all starts with this sort of behaviour. This klutz is not only just messing up his life and that of Shelly's but also that of the other woman he's seeing and anyone close to her. And more importantly, this sort of attitude gets carried into next generations where it compounds. If my father had that approach to love and self respect, aren't the chances pretty high that I would too, so the cancer is propagated into the next generation where it causes more heartache and grief. I have absolutely no time whatsoever for people like that.

 

[ZenDiver.3D]

I think you should not be the one to get in this. On the other hand, you should not be socializing with a man who you do not approve of, nor should your hubby tolerate it. I have been in this situation where you are. My husband told the guy that he would not be coming to our house nor would we be socializing with him, because we are not hypocritical. We won't tacitly endorse his behavior, but we are also not the relationship police. Usually, you end up a bad guy if you interfere, no matter how well meaning

 

[DivingPrincessE]

My attitude is that either I speak out against what I know is wrong, or, by my silence/inaction I am giving my consent. Has it cost me at times? Perhaps, but it certainly never cost me my dignity or self-respect. My character is stronger for having done the right thing.

I agree 100%

Is there any way you can set up a situation where he would get "caught"? Like if you know where he and the other woman are going to be, have your neighbor go there as well. Or is there a time you know the other woman will be over at the house, suggest that your neighbor drop by unannounced.

If that can't be done, I would just tell her flat out and tell her it is very important that she NOT say where she found it out. She could just say that someone saw them out together and told her.

Cheating cannot be tolerated

If my SO was cheating on me I would want to know, so I try give the same courtesy to other people. Karma and all that.

 

[SandyRobinson]

I couldn't agree more. If a buddy of mine was doing something that low, I would appreciate my wife bringing it to my attention. I would confront my friend and give him a very brief amount of time to end one relationship or I would be in contact with the girl next door. I certainly wouldn't worry about losing such a 'friend' - if they would lose my friendship over my objection to such questionable behaviour, then I would seriously have to evaluate just what kind of 'friend' I have.

My attitude is that either I speak out against what I know is wrong, or, by my silence/inaction I am giving my consent. Has it cost me at times? Perhaps, but it certainly never cost me my dignity or self-respect. My character is stronger for having done the right thing.

Just my two cents...I can appreciate how difficult it can be to be in the middle of everyone else's crap.

Ditto. Good luck as you are almost in a no win situation because of this so called friend of your husband.

 

[scubastaci]

Thanks for all of the suggestions. My plan is this, I will let him know the next time he drops by that he needs to tell Shelly. He either needs to just break it off and give no reason, or he needs to tell her about the crap and hope she is stupid enough to think he will stop. I have told my husband that we cannot do anything with them as a couple anymore because I don't want to be around him.
I understand where some might say stay out of it, but I have personal experience with being cheated on. I found out late and every one of my "friends" knew, but no one told me. I was also the other woman. Not by choice! I found out that the man I was seeing was in a relationship with a woman and had been for 3 years. Ended it immediately, but again, the ones who knew said nothing. Hence my frustration about not letting her know.
I told her at the beginning that he was not ready for anything serious hoping that she would just not get involved. Over the past year he has completely snowed her as to his devotion to her and her daughter.
So, thank you all for your advice and suggestions.

 

[Deefstes]

I have told my husband that we cannot do anything with them as a couple anymore because I don't want to be around him.

Kudos to you:cool3: and good luck for how things play out from here onwards.