Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
that chicken looks like it's spent too much time in the Cozumel sun...shoulda spent more time underwater diving.
mlkco
Contributor
The cop is lying
driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?", the driver asked. The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!"
driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?", the driver asked. The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!"
A 65 year old Marine went to the doctor for a physical exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a Marine and Im up well before daylight, climb all over the "O" course out back, then I go run for awhile, and that's why I'm in such good shape.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Dad dead? Who said anything about my dad being dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still kicking? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Dad is 85 yrs old and, runs the "O" course too, in fact after doing the obstacle course he went running with me this morning. That's why dad's still alive... he's a Marine as well!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's all fine and dandy, but I'm sure there's still more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Whoa, Grandpa's not dead either!"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 85 years old, and his father is still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 104 years old and he is a Marine as well."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and sarcastically said, "I guess he went running with you this morning too, huh?"
The old timer said, "Nah, actually he didnt! Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he had to go to the hospital.
Oh, I see. Hes sick then.
No, he isnt sick. He was visiting my grandmother.
So was she sick?
Well no, but I have a new great uncle!"
The old timer said, "I'm a Marine and Im up well before daylight, climb all over the "O" course out back, then I go run for awhile, and that's why I'm in such good shape.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Dad dead? Who said anything about my dad being dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still kicking? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Dad is 85 yrs old and, runs the "O" course too, in fact after doing the obstacle course he went running with me this morning. That's why dad's still alive... he's a Marine as well!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's all fine and dandy, but I'm sure there's still more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Whoa, Grandpa's not dead either!"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 85 years old, and his father is still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 104 years old and he is a Marine as well."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and sarcastically said, "I guess he went running with you this morning too, huh?"
The old timer said, "Nah, actually he didnt! Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he had to go to the hospital.
Oh, I see. Hes sick then.
No, he isnt sick. He was visiting my grandmother.
So was she sick?
Well no, but I have a new great uncle!"
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - Iced Tea in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another Iced Tea while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - Iced Tea in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another Iced Tea while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Hey Mike,we do it differently in the USA..the women are the cooks! :blinking: No wonder you moved over there
Hey Mike,we do it differently in the USA..the women are the cooks! :blinking: No wonder you moved over there
WHAT!!!??? I've been doing the grilling for 25 years in my home!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
WHAT!!!??? I've been doing the grilling for 25 years in my home!
LOL- I meant some women do just the cooking and we trained the guys to do all the rest of that stuff !!!
LOL- I meant some women do just the cooking and we trained the guys to do all the rest of that stuff !!!
My wife of 25 years agreed before the "I do"s were said that she would do the dishes and clean up every time I did the cooking [you can see where this is headed!]. I made the very first breakfast in our marriage (which she pronounced, "Delicious" BTW
) however, she hasn't let me near the stove since! 
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an Agricultural Show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excuthe me, may I have a look at your horth? "Sure", says the farmer, "come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops and says to the farmer, "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to thee her eyeth." The farmer has to bend over and pick up the dwarf to show him her eyes. "Nithe eyeth, nithe eyeth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders round and round the horse. Then asked the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears, exclaiming "Nithe eareth, nithe eareth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." The farmer is getting a little pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is heavy.
Wondering round and round the horse, the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, " Her twot, her twot, I want to see her twot!" The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mate for a couple of minute. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and with a confused look on his face says, "I think I better wephwase that... I'd like to thee her gallop!"
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops and says to the farmer, "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to thee her eyeth." The farmer has to bend over and pick up the dwarf to show him her eyes. "Nithe eyeth, nithe eyeth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders round and round the horse. Then asked the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears, exclaiming "Nithe eareth, nithe eareth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." The farmer is getting a little pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is heavy.
Wondering round and round the horse, the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, " Her twot, her twot, I want to see her twot!" The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mate for a couple of minute. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and with a confused look on his face says, "I think I better wephwase that... I'd like to thee her gallop!"
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