sandmanz32
Contributor
yup i fell for it
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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sandmanz32
Contributor
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary,
and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.
'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that
he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so
the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill
that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly
agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty
deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Super Wal-Mart store.
There, he surprised her in the produce
department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands
& as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped
to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly
onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind,
ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security
guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught &
arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary,
and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.
'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that
he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so
the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill
that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly
agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty
deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Super Wal-Mart store.
There, he surprised her in the produce
department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands
& as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped
to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly
onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind,
ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security
guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught &
arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
Jmarsland
Registered
--
3> American Chopper: Jeffrey Dahmer
AHAHAHAHAH!
3> American Chopper: Jeffrey Dahmer
AHAHAHAHAH!
dive bandit
Contributor
hahahahaha
santafejoe
Contributor
....PARENT - Job Description
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends
and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOU S EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
** AND A FOOTNOTE: THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends
and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOU S EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
** AND A FOOTNOTE: THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
m3830431
Contributor
:shocked2:
sandmanz32
Contributor
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No.
"
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No.
"
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious.
"You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.
"
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..THE GUYS
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No.
"
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No.
"
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious.
"You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.
"
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..THE GUYS
Salmonboy97
Contributor
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him
Leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him
Leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
dpbishop
Contributor
Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics
are German, the Lovers are French, and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are
French, the Lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
are German, the Lovers are French, and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are
French, the Lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
m3830431
Contributor
You May Need A New Lawyer If:
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
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